What sadness can bring

Mr M lost a very close friend a week ago. It was an unexpected and tragic death, and he leaves behind his wife and toddler, and a small community of family and friends struggling to comprehend what's happened.

Death and grief are two of my all-time least favourite subjects (and I don't think I'm alone in this). I have a tendency to run away from death and grief in the hopes that they will never touch my life; I know, I know, dumb and impossible.

But, Mr M has been utterly devastated by this loss and I am proud to say that even with my aversion, I have fully stepped up to help him through this sad and painful time.

I NEVER confront death. If the thought of it enters my head, my brain scrunches its eyes shut tight, holds its hands up to its ears and sings "LAH LAH LAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU" ever so loudly. But this time, I told my brain to stop. I'm not wallowing in my emotions, but I am sitting with them; welcoming them into my heart, acknowledging them and allowing them the time to be processed appropriately. I respect this man too much to ignore my hubands (and my own!) feelings on the sadness of his passing.

(Huh. It seems that I may have grown up somewhat... well, that and a few years of therapy!)

With this newfound sense of acceptance, I have also broken through my fear of visiting with our friend's wife. I was terrified that I would do something wrong, or say something stupid and thoughtless in my awkward uncomfortableness with the enormity of the situation. But in the face of her all-consuming grief, a grief that I cannot even begin to fathom (thanks to my never entertaining the thought of such a loss), I stared down my fear and reached out to her with an gigantic hug and a heart full of love. And from her reaction, I did good.
Side-note: I'm a great hugger, it's kind of my signature move.

~*~*~*~*~

As usually happens in the aftermath of a tragedy, the truly important things in your life tend to pop out in stark contrast to the mundane and ordinary things; the things that seem to consume all your time and energy but aren't really as important as they pretend to be.

Through the (far too) few times we have spent time together, and stories from Mr M, I know that his friend was funny, insightful, spiritual (though not religious), a very devoted husband and father, generous - he was a giver (of time, energy, and things when required), a super talented cinematographer, a writer, a refugee, a pain in the ass sometimes (aren't we all!), a dream chaser, a lover of animals, open-minded (and even when he was being a judgmental jerk, he was still open to the alternative view), an amazing friend to Mr M (with a fantastically eclectic bunch of friends), and a real go-getter; if he said he was going to do something, he went and did it. No exceptions. And everything that he did, he approached with an open heart ready to accept the adventure ahead.

Because of his friendship with Mr M, and with his passing, this man has become an inspiration to me. His heartbreakingly early death has reminded me that life is waaaaay to short to be fucking around with things that make me feel "meh" or make me unhappy. He was prolific with the work that he created, writing a feature film about his family's life and their ordeal to seek asylum in Australia in the 70s, whilst at the same time working on a documentary about an orchestra from his home country, and filming artistic adverts for international fashion houses.

He was living every single, day doing what he was passionate about and enjoying every moment. Yes there were bad times for him, and unpleasant interactions that impacted on him. But they never stopped him from pursuing what he wanted.

A few days after his death, I wrote a list: "Things that need to happen". Some of the things on the list are chores that I should have done ages ago (contact a financial advisor); some are things that are super important to do ASAFP, especially now that I know that any moment could be my last (write a will! This also falls under the should have done ages ago section); and some are things that I have been meaning to put effort into, but just never find (make!) the time to do.... such as writing and finding a side hustle.

To honour the life of this talented mo-fo, I have decided to live my life more fully. Concentrate on the things and people that fill my heart with love and joy. Dedicate some time each day to writing, and to find the joy in learning the craft. And together, Mr M and I have decided to live the life that we want to live; to pursue a lifestyle that results in our family's happiness.

Hold your loved ones close, and connect with those who mean the most to you, tell them WHY they mean so much to you. Try not to take anyone for granted, for who knows when they won't be there anymore.

Big love.

Gratitude Project - 30th April - 2nd May

I've known for a while, but I am finally admitting it to the world.... Along with being a procrastinator, I am not a finisher.

For example, in January I embarked on a 30-day squat challenge; the end goal was to complete 175 squats in one go. Not particularly hard, I do squats almost every day in my fitness classes, and I had 30-days to build up to it.

But here we are at the beginning of May and I STILL have four days left to do.

{image credit}

Mr M calls me "Half-a-job-Harry":
Housework? Yeah, it'll get done, but the vacuum will probably sit in the bedroom for another two days...
Laundry? I'll wash and dry the clothes, but the folding? It's has been known for the clean laundry to sit on the sofa unfolded for two weeks...
Washing up? Well we have a dishwasher, and I am actually pretty good about loading and emptying it...

This rather major flaw stretches right back to primary school. We used to have project books with six or seven double page spreads that we would complete each term. At the start of every term, I would enthusiastically throw myself into the work and then by the time half-term came around, it was like pulling teeth to get me to do the work. My poor Mum!

I cannot recall ever finishing one of those books.

In fact, I can think of only three things I've finished; gestating my two children (does that even count!?), and the teeniest, tiniest cross-stitch piece for my Mum.

But that is hopefully all about to change - I have signed up to Mum's Juggling School in a bid to learn some new skills that will help me take control of my procrastination, which in turn will hopefully give me the impetus to see a job through to the end.

So I guess watch this space to see the journey! :)

Things I have been grateful for the last few days:

1. Signing up to the Mum's Juggling School, I have a good feeling about this

2. Mr M has been working away from home for a couple of nights. It's been hard to do all the parenting on my own (props to all single parents out there, you guys are freaking amazeballs!), but I've enjoyed the challenge, and the space. And I can't wait to see him tomorrow!

3. Having my exercise buddy back in the office - it's great to have someone help motivate me to actually get to the gym at lunch time!

Oh wow, I've finished my month of Gratitude... so I guess that's something else to add to my short list of completed things :)

Do you have a flaw that you're willing to share with the world? You're amongst friends here :)

When pride gets in the way

This time tomorrow, one of my very dearest friends will be going into hospital ready to meet her second child. Such exciting times!!

What makes this all the more exciting for me (apart from the fact that it makes my own pregnancy much more real!), is that I missed out on her first pregnancy.

This time around, I have seen her blossom and grow every week of the pregnancy.

You see, due to a lack of communication, on both parts, we had a falling out just after my Little Monster was born.

It broke my heart not to have her in his life, and I spent many agonising hours, sometimes in floods of tears, sometimes just so angry, wondering what the hell had happened and how to fix it.

And yet I did nothing.

My spiteful pride stopped me from picking up the phone and starting a conversation.
My foolish pride stopped me from letting my beautiful Little Monster be loved on by another.

Then I heard that she was pregnant - something I knew that she had always wanted - and I reached out with a text message.
But once again, my idiotic pride stepped in and I failed to register that her reply was her way of reaching back to me.

Another lonely and sad five months passed. Don't get me wrong, I was busy and surrounded by friends and family whom I adore; but there was a gap in my heart where she should have been, and it was a constant ache.

We reconciled just before my Little Monster's first birthday - just weeks away from her own birth experience.
It was through Facebook... She made a comment on my status update, and it made me smile. I sent her a message telling her how much I missed her, and she replied with a similar sentiments.

So I called her, and we spent the next few minutes crying down the phone to each other; agreeing that whatever had happened between us had been a stupid waste of time - we had lost precious moments with each other during the most momentous times of our lives, and we both deeply regretted it.

And just like that, we were back in each others lives.
Talking daily, and making each other laugh. It was like we had picked up from where we left off.
A few weeks later, I was one of the first people to visit her when her son was born and I wept as I held him. Tears of happiness at our re-discovered friendship, of pride in my friend having delivered such a beautiful little boy and of hope for what the future held for our sons, and for our friendship.

I wasted almost 12-months mourning a friendship that I thought was lost, without really fighting for it.

But we both had reached out and were full of forgiveness, and we accepted the other's apology without a question.

My learning curve as a Mother helped me to see what was truly important, to move past the slights (real or imagined) and to mend a friendship that deep down I knew I wanted to keep.

Tomorrow my dear dear friend will be meeting her second baby.

And I will be patiently waiting at the hospital door for them to let me in to see her and the new addition to her family, and to weep in happiness at all the marvels life has to offer.


Have you ever unwittingly lost a friendship? Did you find it again?

R U OK?

Today, in Australia, is it "R U OK? Day"

R U OK? is an organisation whose main aim is suicide prevention. Today they are encouraging everyone across the country to ask their families, friends and colleagues a very simple question; "Are you OK?"

They have a fantastic page explaining how to start a conversation with someone you are concerned about, and how to support them through the conversation.

They also have a list of numbers if you have serious concerns for someone who might be in crisis.

I have been touched by depression a few times, but only mildly.

Without the concern of my family noticing a change in my behaviour, and asking me if I was OK, I might not be the person I am today.

So, I'm asking - R U OK?

Who will you ask?

 Please, if you are concerned for someone in crisis, or need urgent support yourself, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

  

  

{images from here and here}

Gratitude

A while ago, I was pretty down in the dumps.

It's not the first time I've been there. But thanks to counselling and a gaining a Certificate III in Holistic Counselling, I know my mental-self pretty well now and I can read the signs that all is not well in "Melissa's Brain"

So I let one of my Besties know that I was not in a good head space, had a vent, and then booked myself in for some counselling

My beautiful friend took on board everything I had said, and because she was about to go on an overseas adventure, she sent me a care package. (Yes, she is that awesome!)

In that care package was a Gratitude book from kikki.K, one of my all-time favourite shops.

It took me a little while to get around to writing in it. But two months ago, I decided to make a start; I decided to start looking at life with a more positive attitude.

Now every night, before I go to sleep, I reflect back on the day and write down three things that I am grateful for.

I am ALWAYS grateful for my Little Monster, and the smile he brings to my heart. The same can also be said for Husband.
(Although they are also both very capable of making me want to pull my hair out!)

Most days I know exactly what I am grateful for, and I can fill up the page within minutes of putting pen to paper.

But it's not always so easy. Sometimes and I get the first two, and then I have to turn to Husband and ask him what he thinks I should be grateful for.

Other times I can sit there for a good 20 minutes before I have written a word.

It is those times where I struggle, that I think I gain the most benefit from the book. Because those are the days where I have to really reflect.

I have to look back at my day, and if nothing big jumps out at me, I have to look back at the smaller things in my day.

Last week I posted about having a pretty lousy day. That night as I lay in bed, book on lap and pen in mouth, I could not think of a single thing to write.

I decided that for that day, I was grateful for:

• Getting a seat on the bus into work
• Eating my lunch in the sunshine
• Having a glass of wine with dinner

Hardly mind blowingly insightful or deep. But momentous in that I was able to find three things to be
grateful for on a very shitty day.

Gratitude is a skill that I am slowly learning, and one that I am pleased to have. Because now I can see the more positive things in my life, and no matter how big or small I know that I will always have something to be grateful for.

How do you find the positives in your day?

{images from here, here and here}