It's time for a change

Have you ever woken up one morning, and just KNOWN that something has fundamentally shifted within you?

{Image from here}

I've had it once before (that I've been aware of), when I realised that it was time to end my previous relationship.

But usually I have a minor shift; nothing that I really take notice of, more of a general “hmm, I think I might need something to change, but I’m pretty ok with what’s going on so I’ll keep it in mind but I’ll leave it for a while”

After one of these shifts, I will often give a half-hearted attempt to look for something that has the potential to soothe my soul. But I never follow through with anything, and so have never found what it is that I need. Oh man, I am so not good to myself!

A couple of months ago I had another minor shift, and so I have been in the perfunctory throes of trying to find what it was that could ease my appetite for… well, I don’t know what actually. I just know that I have been searching for something.

Then weekend before last, I went into the study to clean up a pile of books that Warrie had thoughtfully pulled off the bookshelves. The first book on the top of the pile was a book that I had bought years ago, but never got around to reading – “I could do anything. If only I knew what it was” by Barbara Sher.

I picked the book up and put it on my bedside table.

A few days later I flicked through the book, and it randomly opened at a page. The following extract jumped off of the page and hit me like a tonne of bricks.

“… people who fear failure have got it wrong. They really fear success. If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful. People who fear anything stay as far away from it as possible.”

Wow. Powerful stuff, right?

I had to re-read it a few times to make sure that I had understood what I was seeing. And every time I read it, it was like an alarm going off in my head.

I have spent so many, many years telling myself that I wasn't doing things because I was scared of failing at them. In fact, Mr M and I had a bit of a row about it just last month – I had told him I wasn't writing because I was scared of not being good enough at it, and his response was to tell me that I was talking a crock of shit; that I was making excuses. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him for the rest of the evening.

“If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful.”

{Image from here}

Then I saw that line, and suddenly I got it. Mr M was right, I WAS talking shit. And I have been making excuses for myself for YEARS – hiding behind my so called “fear of failure” to justify to myself why I hadn't taken chances.

The crazy thing is, when I HAVE taken chances things have worked! The biggest (and best) example of this was breaking off my engagement and leaving my life in the UK to take a chance on a new relationship in Australia.

I risked everything to be with someone I thought could be “The One”, and I ended up married to the love of my life and with two gorgeous boys to boot. Pretty sure that counts as successfully conquering my fears!

A few weeks ago, I had a situation at work that has shaken me to my core; my professional and personal confidence has been shattered, and I have been left confused, scared and very unsure.

{Image from here}

Since then, I have spent a LOT of time thinking about the situation. An unhealthy amount of time, actually.

I have been trying to shift my mindset from one of fretting about and worrying at the problem, to a much healthier one of not worrying about what has already has happened, letting go, and dealing with things as they arise.

No mean feat for a girl who has been a life-long worrier!

But I think I have been successful. Now, nearly three weeks on, I see this “situation” at work as a catalyst of sorts.

I believe that things happen for a reason. And as distressing and exhausting as it is; I know that this has happened so that I can grow from it.

Maybe the Universe was sick and tired of me not following through with the minor shifts I had been feeling, and this was the only way it could get my attention.

Maybe it’s just my turn to have something a little unpleasant happen to me (and let’s face it, if this is the worst that I ever have to deal with then I am a very lucky girl!)

Whatever the reason, there has been a fundamental shift within my psyche that is too big to ignore. I can no longer stay stagnant; I have to move, I have to push my boundaries.

I have to be brave and find what it is that truly makes my heart and soul sing.

{Image from here}

What makes your heart and soul sing? Have you ever experienced a shift of your be-ing? I’d love to hear about your journey!

It's been a while....

But I have some good excuses, I've had a pretty busy time of it recently...

I moved house at 32-weeks pregnant with a 2-year old in tow (not recommended!);
I've transferred said 2-year old into a new day care (which went infinitely better than I could ever have hoped for, he's a champ!!);
and I eventually gave birth (2-weeks overdue!) to another little boy, who didn't make it the process easy for me (but that's a whole 'nother post)....
Oh and in about 2 months time, we're moving once again!


I think the twitter hash tag for such a paragraph would be #firstworldproblems

And finally I am able to sit quietly at my computer, with my Little Monster in safely in daycare and my 6-week old Newbie fast asleep.
And finally I feel like I might have found some room in my little world and under used brain to let my creative juices flow again!

So watch this space.... I might not be blogging daily, but I will be blogging again! It might not be the best thing that you will have ever read, but it will be me - the whole sleep-deprived-cracking-very-unfunny-"dad jokes"-and-lucky-to-shower-3-times-a-week me.

Thank goodness you can't smell on the interweb!

A balancing act

I have been struggling recently. Struggling to find balance in my life

I suppose I am looking for nirvana - that balance of being a worker, a mother, a housewife, and ME. And right at this moment in time, I feel like I am failing at all of them.

In my nirvana, I would be a stay-at-home-mum, with the Little Monster in daycare just two days a week to learn and practice his social skills, whilst I do housewifey things and even manage to get a pamper session in!

In my "slightly-more-realistic-but-still-nearly-ideal" world, I would be working three short days a week. On the two other days, I would have one day to myself to do housework or maybe even go to the movies on my own (bliss!), and the other day would be spent with playing the Little Monster, or meeting up with my Mum's group friends in a park somewhere and letting our kids run wild...

Here's my current reality:

Work:
I'm not putting the maximum effort in at work. I know this, I can feel it. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that my focus is all off.
Because my attitude it all wrong at the moment, I am having to stay back late to get things finished. Which means that I miss out on time with the Little Monster.

Mothering:
I feel like I don't spend nearly enough time with the Little Monster during the week. I try to get home in time for dinner, but more often than not I am home just in time for bath-time and a little play before bed. Hardly what you would call quality time.

I do have two full days on the weekend with him, where we pack in a lot of mother/son bonding time. We wander around the shops and have a babycino, or go to a park. We have lots of giggles and lots of cuddles.

But I still feel like I am missing out on so much.

I am so thankful for our wonderful Family Daycare Lady. She loves the Little Monster almost as much as we do, and he loves her right back. She is awesome at telling us about the little things he gets up to, or the new skills he has learnt.

The fact that he is happy at daycare means the world to me, and lifts a small part of the guilt I feel leaving him there four days a week.

I am also very thankful for my Mum, who has the Little Monster one day a week. And for my Father-in-Law, who has him on the days when Mum can't - I love that he is building a close relationship with his grandparents!

Houswife:
For some unknown reason, I have it in my head that I should be able to be the perfect housewife/mother package as well as hold down a full-time job.

I don't know where the idea came from, but it's firmly in there.

And it's such bullshit, because I was was hardly the picture perfect housewife before we became parents - although I was much better than I am now!

I have signed up to a blog to help me get things under control, (thank you The Organised Housewife!) and I am slowly (ever so slowly!) but surely regaining control over my complete lack of interest in housework.

ME:
This is my biggest fail of all.

I can't remember the last time I did anything for ME (Husband's erratic work hours don't help with this). The most I do for ME, is exercising 2 or 3 times a week.

Sometimes I feel like the Universe is against me on this; nearly every single time I have told Husband about something I want to do for ME and we've set aside the time, he gets a phone call or an email offering work.
And because Husband is just making a firm start in a new career (not to mention the fact that we need the cash!) I don't feel like I can say "stuff the work, I told you about my ME plans first!"

I feel like I am juggling so much at the moment, and something has to give.

What am I saying, something already has - the time I allocate to ME

The first step, I guess, is to take a step back and reassess my priorities - maybe I'm being to hard on myself. I am usually harder on myself than others, so it is quite possible that all of this is a manifestation of my guilt, causing it to seem so much bigger than it is.

Maybe once I have done that, finding the balance will seem more achieveable - and I might get a snippet of ME time!

How do you balance your life? What are you strategies when things feel out of whack? Do you get regular "ME time"?

  

{image from here and here}