It's time for a change

Have you ever woken up one morning, and just KNOWN that something has fundamentally shifted within you?

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I've had it once before (that I've been aware of), when I realised that it was time to end my previous relationship.

But usually I have a minor shift; nothing that I really take notice of, more of a general “hmm, I think I might need something to change, but I’m pretty ok with what’s going on so I’ll keep it in mind but I’ll leave it for a while”

After one of these shifts, I will often give a half-hearted attempt to look for something that has the potential to soothe my soul. But I never follow through with anything, and so have never found what it is that I need. Oh man, I am so not good to myself!

A couple of months ago I had another minor shift, and so I have been in the perfunctory throes of trying to find what it was that could ease my appetite for… well, I don’t know what actually. I just know that I have been searching for something.

Then weekend before last, I went into the study to clean up a pile of books that Warrie had thoughtfully pulled off the bookshelves. The first book on the top of the pile was a book that I had bought years ago, but never got around to reading – “I could do anything. If only I knew what it was” by Barbara Sher.

I picked the book up and put it on my bedside table.

A few days later I flicked through the book, and it randomly opened at a page. The following extract jumped off of the page and hit me like a tonne of bricks.

“… people who fear failure have got it wrong. They really fear success. If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful. People who fear anything stay as far away from it as possible.”

Wow. Powerful stuff, right?

I had to re-read it a few times to make sure that I had understood what I was seeing. And every time I read it, it was like an alarm going off in my head.

I have spent so many, many years telling myself that I wasn't doing things because I was scared of failing at them. In fact, Mr M and I had a bit of a row about it just last month – I had told him I wasn't writing because I was scared of not being good enough at it, and his response was to tell me that I was talking a crock of shit; that I was making excuses. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him for the rest of the evening.

“If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful.”

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Then I saw that line, and suddenly I got it. Mr M was right, I WAS talking shit. And I have been making excuses for myself for YEARS – hiding behind my so called “fear of failure” to justify to myself why I hadn't taken chances.

The crazy thing is, when I HAVE taken chances things have worked! The biggest (and best) example of this was breaking off my engagement and leaving my life in the UK to take a chance on a new relationship in Australia.

I risked everything to be with someone I thought could be “The One”, and I ended up married to the love of my life and with two gorgeous boys to boot. Pretty sure that counts as successfully conquering my fears!

A few weeks ago, I had a situation at work that has shaken me to my core; my professional and personal confidence has been shattered, and I have been left confused, scared and very unsure.

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Since then, I have spent a LOT of time thinking about the situation. An unhealthy amount of time, actually.

I have been trying to shift my mindset from one of fretting about and worrying at the problem, to a much healthier one of not worrying about what has already has happened, letting go, and dealing with things as they arise.

No mean feat for a girl who has been a life-long worrier!

But I think I have been successful. Now, nearly three weeks on, I see this “situation” at work as a catalyst of sorts.

I believe that things happen for a reason. And as distressing and exhausting as it is; I know that this has happened so that I can grow from it.

Maybe the Universe was sick and tired of me not following through with the minor shifts I had been feeling, and this was the only way it could get my attention.

Maybe it’s just my turn to have something a little unpleasant happen to me (and let’s face it, if this is the worst that I ever have to deal with then I am a very lucky girl!)

Whatever the reason, there has been a fundamental shift within my psyche that is too big to ignore. I can no longer stay stagnant; I have to move, I have to push my boundaries.

I have to be brave and find what it is that truly makes my heart and soul sing.

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What makes your heart and soul sing? Have you ever experienced a shift of your be-ing? I’d love to hear about your journey!

When pride gets in the way

This time tomorrow, one of my very dearest friends will be going into hospital ready to meet her second child. Such exciting times!!

What makes this all the more exciting for me (apart from the fact that it makes my own pregnancy much more real!), is that I missed out on her first pregnancy.

This time around, I have seen her blossom and grow every week of the pregnancy.

You see, due to a lack of communication, on both parts, we had a falling out just after my Little Monster was born.

It broke my heart not to have her in his life, and I spent many agonising hours, sometimes in floods of tears, sometimes just so angry, wondering what the hell had happened and how to fix it.

And yet I did nothing.

My spiteful pride stopped me from picking up the phone and starting a conversation.
My foolish pride stopped me from letting my beautiful Little Monster be loved on by another.

Then I heard that she was pregnant - something I knew that she had always wanted - and I reached out with a text message.
But once again, my idiotic pride stepped in and I failed to register that her reply was her way of reaching back to me.

Another lonely and sad five months passed. Don't get me wrong, I was busy and surrounded by friends and family whom I adore; but there was a gap in my heart where she should have been, and it was a constant ache.

We reconciled just before my Little Monster's first birthday - just weeks away from her own birth experience.
It was through Facebook... She made a comment on my status update, and it made me smile. I sent her a message telling her how much I missed her, and she replied with a similar sentiments.

So I called her, and we spent the next few minutes crying down the phone to each other; agreeing that whatever had happened between us had been a stupid waste of time - we had lost precious moments with each other during the most momentous times of our lives, and we both deeply regretted it.

And just like that, we were back in each others lives.
Talking daily, and making each other laugh. It was like we had picked up from where we left off.
A few weeks later, I was one of the first people to visit her when her son was born and I wept as I held him. Tears of happiness at our re-discovered friendship, of pride in my friend having delivered such a beautiful little boy and of hope for what the future held for our sons, and for our friendship.

I wasted almost 12-months mourning a friendship that I thought was lost, without really fighting for it.

But we both had reached out and were full of forgiveness, and we accepted the other's apology without a question.

My learning curve as a Mother helped me to see what was truly important, to move past the slights (real or imagined) and to mend a friendship that deep down I knew I wanted to keep.

Tomorrow my dear dear friend will be meeting her second baby.

And I will be patiently waiting at the hospital door for them to let me in to see her and the new addition to her family, and to weep in happiness at all the marvels life has to offer.


Have you ever unwittingly lost a friendship? Did you find it again?

Not the best day on record....

*~*  language warning  *~*

One of my favourite childhood books, and so apt for today! Just substitute "Melissa" for "Alexander"...

Today has been a shitty day.

I am juggling full-time work with full-time mothering. For the last year, since I came back from maternity leave it has been a struggle, but I have coped.

But in the last two weeks, for some unknown reason, I have become a bit of a ball dropper.

Mostly, the dropped balls have been very minor.

Unfortunately, the thing that I dropped the ball on today was unable not quite so minor. Nor could it be resolved.

Fortunately, I have quite possibly the best boss in the world, so she sort of talked me off the ledge; and reminded me that everything is fixable.

I also have some fantastic colleagues who were happy to listen to my near hysterical "oh fuck, what do I do now" rant.

And I have my amazing Husband who, when I called him at work, almost in tears and said "I've dropped the ball, it's not the first time. I think I've really fucked up and I don't know what to do...", replied with a "Everything will be fine Babe. It's probably not as bad as you think. And when you get home I will be there to give you a big cuddle."

Ok, he didn't say the last bit. But I know that it was exactly what he meant - one of the joys of being with someone for so long; sometimes you don't always have to use words.

There is also some delicious red wine waiting for me at home too, which helps.

So today has been a bad day, but there is still plenty of time for it to get better!!

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Who do you turn to when you've dropped the ball?