Quote of the Day - a new beginning

Internet browsers. Everyone has a favourite, and it can be nigh on impossible to get someone to change their mind about which one they prefer. Me? I'm a Chrome girl through and through.

For the last 3 years, I have been using a dashboard called Momentum, which I found on the Chrome web store. It has daily background photos and quotes that appear when you open a new browser tab. There's also a whole bunch of other tools to help you manage your day: to-do lists, countdowns times, world clocks, weather, and heaps more.

If this sort of thing is right up your alley, please check it out!

(This isn't a sponsored post! I just love using Momentum and wanted to tell you about it. Feel free to look into it, or not... it is entirely up to you)

I love it primarily for the photos and the quotes. Almost every picture I've come across has been stunning and for the ones I don't like so much, I can change them with a click of a mouse button.

I have also been writing down all the quotes that have had some meaning to me on a post-it note and sticking them on the wall of my office. Just as a little bit of daily motivation and something to perk me up when I'm feeling flat.

{image from here}

For something a bit different on this blog (and as a way to get me into the habit of writing regularly!), I want to share the daily quotes with you and offer some insight as to if, how, and why they are relevant to me on that particular day.

So, let's get started!!

Today's quote:

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly ~ Robert H. Schuller

{picture found here}

This really resonated with me today; I returned to my old workplace last week (I had been on secondment in a different department for nearly a year), only to find that my role had been completely overhauled with very little consultation with me. I'm working through my thoughts and feelings about it - trying my hardest to see it as a positive thing and not to take it personally. It's using up a LOT of energy. And during this process, I've been understandably feeling pretty demotivated.

As soon as I read the quote, I had a whole bunch of feels. Which rather than pushing down the feelings to deal with later (much later, and preferably with a glass of wine!), I decided to sit with them... and yes, there probably was an element of procrastination going on! ;)

I realised that there is a lot of fear inside me around these changes. They were not of my doing, they were not what I wanted, and I am completely out of control about what my job is. It doesn't help that I'm not getting a whole lot of direction either.

Once I had sat with that idea of fear, and acknowledged that it was valid and had a right to be there, the feeling then turned into a bit of excitement. I have an opportunity to make this into a great role; one where I embrace all the changes and tackle them head-on. There will be chances for training and upskilling, and when has that ever been a bad thing?!

I have been talking about and been grumpy about these changes for nearly a week. And I have continually said to myself "I just need to reframe my thinking about this". Well, today I think I have turned a corner in how I think about this situation. I think I am now the start of the path to acceptance.

I think that today I have discovered the grace to accept that which has been handed to me, and I can feel the stirrings of the courage that I will need to stand up for myself and to make the changes required to help me be happy and fulfilled in my role.

If for some reason it isn't possible to do that, then I can look for a new job - and that is something I do have control over.

Did this quote do anything for you? Did you hear another quote today that inspired you, or helped you come to a realisation?

Tell me all about it in the comments below!

It's time for a change

Have you ever woken up one morning, and just KNOWN that something has fundamentally shifted within you?

{Image from here}

I've had it once before (that I've been aware of), when I realised that it was time to end my previous relationship.

But usually I have a minor shift; nothing that I really take notice of, more of a general “hmm, I think I might need something to change, but I’m pretty ok with what’s going on so I’ll keep it in mind but I’ll leave it for a while”

After one of these shifts, I will often give a half-hearted attempt to look for something that has the potential to soothe my soul. But I never follow through with anything, and so have never found what it is that I need. Oh man, I am so not good to myself!

A couple of months ago I had another minor shift, and so I have been in the perfunctory throes of trying to find what it was that could ease my appetite for… well, I don’t know what actually. I just know that I have been searching for something.

Then weekend before last, I went into the study to clean up a pile of books that Warrie had thoughtfully pulled off the bookshelves. The first book on the top of the pile was a book that I had bought years ago, but never got around to reading – “I could do anything. If only I knew what it was” by Barbara Sher.

I picked the book up and put it on my bedside table.

A few days later I flicked through the book, and it randomly opened at a page. The following extract jumped off of the page and hit me like a tonne of bricks.

“… people who fear failure have got it wrong. They really fear success. If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful. People who fear anything stay as far away from it as possible.”

Wow. Powerful stuff, right?

I had to re-read it a few times to make sure that I had understood what I was seeing. And every time I read it, it was like an alarm going off in my head.

I have spent so many, many years telling myself that I wasn't doing things because I was scared of failing at them. In fact, Mr M and I had a bit of a row about it just last month – I had told him I wasn't writing because I was scared of not being good enough at it, and his response was to tell me that I was talking a crock of shit; that I was making excuses. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him for the rest of the evening.

“If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful.”

{Image from here}

Then I saw that line, and suddenly I got it. Mr M was right, I WAS talking shit. And I have been making excuses for myself for YEARS – hiding behind my so called “fear of failure” to justify to myself why I hadn't taken chances.

The crazy thing is, when I HAVE taken chances things have worked! The biggest (and best) example of this was breaking off my engagement and leaving my life in the UK to take a chance on a new relationship in Australia.

I risked everything to be with someone I thought could be “The One”, and I ended up married to the love of my life and with two gorgeous boys to boot. Pretty sure that counts as successfully conquering my fears!

A few weeks ago, I had a situation at work that has shaken me to my core; my professional and personal confidence has been shattered, and I have been left confused, scared and very unsure.

{Image from here}

Since then, I have spent a LOT of time thinking about the situation. An unhealthy amount of time, actually.

I have been trying to shift my mindset from one of fretting about and worrying at the problem, to a much healthier one of not worrying about what has already has happened, letting go, and dealing with things as they arise.

No mean feat for a girl who has been a life-long worrier!

But I think I have been successful. Now, nearly three weeks on, I see this “situation” at work as a catalyst of sorts.

I believe that things happen for a reason. And as distressing and exhausting as it is; I know that this has happened so that I can grow from it.

Maybe the Universe was sick and tired of me not following through with the minor shifts I had been feeling, and this was the only way it could get my attention.

Maybe it’s just my turn to have something a little unpleasant happen to me (and let’s face it, if this is the worst that I ever have to deal with then I am a very lucky girl!)

Whatever the reason, there has been a fundamental shift within my psyche that is too big to ignore. I can no longer stay stagnant; I have to move, I have to push my boundaries.

I have to be brave and find what it is that truly makes my heart and soul sing.

{Image from here}

What makes your heart and soul sing? Have you ever experienced a shift of your be-ing? I’d love to hear about your journey!

How I feel about my post-babies body

Last weekend, a beautiful picture appeared in my instagram feed from Keeping Up With The Holsbys.

The title of the post was The stories of our post-baby flesh, and the pictures are just gorgeous. If there is only one blog you check out today, make it this one.

It was a thought provoking post for me, as I have a real love/hate relationship with my post-baby body:

• I love, and am in utter awe, that my body incubated and delivered two big healthy babies (Mac was 4.03kg and Warrie was 4.35kg)
• I hate the stretch marks and extra skin that came with such big babies that were all out the front (you couldn't tell I was pregnant from behind). I was 117cm around with Mac and 122cm around with Warrie.
• I love that I was able to breastfeed my babies, and the amazing bonding moments we had together.
• I hate that I can now easily hold the remote under my boobs

I won't go on, you get the idea. And I am sure that there are many other mothers out there who can totally relate.

I know that I am supposed to wear my stretch marks as a badge of honour.
I know that I'm not supposed to let society dictate what "beauty" is.
I know that I should listen to Mr M when he tells be that I look beautiful, and he wouldn't change a thing about me.

But I don't.

I hate my stretch marks (yet I do nothing to get rid of them - what the heck is up with that!? Some sort of self sabotage??)
I despair that I am now 5kg heavier than my original pre-pregnancy weight. I am in the gym or running every lunchtime, and seeing no change. I'm now working on the diet side of things... Fingers crossed
I don't like to get undressed in front of Mr M with the lights on, I'm terrified that he will suddenly change his mind about me. (I have absolutely NO EVIDENCE to support this, it's just my brain going into worst case scenario mode)

Then I see such amazing photos, and I know, I KNOW, that I need to cut myself some slack. And I try, I really do....

Maybe one day I'll just wake up and suddenly be all "Oh wow - my body grew two whole new people, and yes it's softer than it was 10 years ago. But it is freaking amazing, and I am so proud to be in this skin".

Maybe.

Just to fill you in...

Wooooah. Life has been a bit naff these last few months.

No, not true. Life has been very blessed these last few months; full of happy chaos and laughter.

I am the one who has been a bit naff.

About three months ago, I suddenly realised that I was hovering on the brink of depression, again.

The signs were all there: a general lack of interest in my appearance, lethargy, procrastination (although that is pretty much a permanent character flaw!), overly focussing on things outside of my control, road rage (basically shouting at those people who should never have been granted a drivers license - you know the ones I'm talking about), weeping at ads on TV...

And with the advantage of hindsight, I could see that I had been there for a while, at least two or three months before I noticed anything. 

About two months ago, I thought I was getting better. I thought I was keeping my head above the water... but really I was just doing an amazingly awesome job of fooling myself.

So now I'm in self repair mode. 

Whilst I’m not out of the woods yet – not by a long shot! – I am using the skills that I have learnt from previous counselling sessions to fight my way back to being my usual joyful self. 

Challenging unhelpful thoughts as they arise, trying to see the positives in daily life. Not always easy when my mind seems drawn to anger and the more maudlin side of things...

Anyway. Just wanted to touch base, see who's out there and let you know what was going in my world. It's not a great barrel of laughs at the moment, but I'm sure (I hope!) it's on the improve.

Watch this space! :)

What's been happening with you?

We were meant to be

Last night, Husband said probably the most romantic thing ever to me.

He told me: "Babe, we were always meant to be together"

We were driving home from our touch footy game; our two boys in the back, talking about how other people handle their relationships. He made some comment about how he had never been in a relationship where they broke up and got back together.

I looked at him - "But we did....."

~~~~~~~~~~

July 2008
Husband had been living and working in Fiji for about a year. We'd been taking turns to visit each other for a long weekend about every 10- to 12-weeks, but our relationship was mainly conducted via telephone, texts and emails.

My last visit to Fiji hadn't been a good one. In the few weeks leading up to the trip, contact with Husband had become less frequent and, when we did talk, it was very strained.

I spent the majority of our weekend at the beautiful Wananavu resort (quite possibly one of the most romantic places in the world!) with leaking eyes.... We were tense and stilted.

The dreaded phrase 'it's not you, it's me' had reared it's ugly head.

By the time I left, we had come to some sort of strange impasse. We were in limbo. No "issues" had been  discussed, we just knew that something wasn't right.

About a week later I got an email at work: "Call me when you get home, we need to talk."
Well you just know that isn't going to be a good conversation.

A few hours later, I hung up the phone in floods of tears. Whilst we hadn't actually broken up, things were not looking good.

During our hour long phone call, Husband had told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore; he wasn't even sure if he wanted a relationship.

Of course, looking back, and after subsequent conversations with Husband, it's clear to me (us) now that he was a man nearing a crisis. He was just 30; living away from family and friends, and a newly appointed GM dealing with some of the most stressful workplace issues he'd ever come across, all without any "on hand" means of support (from his employer as well as family and friends)

Somehow (and to this day, I still don't know how I managed it! I put it down to the counselling course I had completed a few year previously), somehow I found the courage inside to tell him that it was ok.
I told him that I loved him, and I wanted what was best for him. I told him I could ease some of his stress by giving him breathing space; I wouldn't email or text or call until he told me he was ready.

He had already booked a flight home for the end of August. So we agreed to see how things went until then. He thanked me for being so loving and understanding; he thanked me for being such a good friend.

We both cried. My heart broke.

During that time, as hard as it was, I was true to my word; I gave him space. Though every day my heart ached, and I wondered if we would make it.

It was Husband who initiated all the contact... In fact, during that time he emailed or texted me more than he had in the previous 6-weeks. I tried to keep it light; I didn't want to give him anything more to run away from.

It was a rough time, no denying.
And unlike me, I knew that he had no-one to talk to; no-one to vent about his stresses, no-one to talk through his thought processes... He ended up doing that with me, in regards to work, as we had done for the last 18-months. But I knew there was no-one for him to turn to personally, and it made me so sad for him.

He hadn't told his family. I was still having weekly dinners with them, and his Mum would always ask if he was ok. Three weeks into the ordeal, I finally broke and told her. Of course, she knew something was wrong, but he was resolutely avoiding the topic with her

Even his friends didn't know what was happening. Weeks later he told me that he hadn't said anything to them, because he knew they would give him a bollocking.
I knew that too, which was why I hadn't said anything to any of his friends. I just told them that he was a bit stressed and could do with a friendly ear.

I wanted him to work through it without people pressuring him....

I wanted him to choose me because he wanted to be with me, not because his friends and family had told him to be with me.

Soon. it was the day of his return. I went to the airport to wait for him in a state of turmoil; I was excited to see him again, but terrified as I knew that this was make or break.

Then I saw him, and he looked happier than he did when I had last seen him in Fiji.

And then he saw me; and his face lit up, and in that one brief moment, I knew, JUST KNEW, that we would make it.

~~~~~~~~~~

"It was just like the old saying: 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours...'" I said last night. "In order to keep you, I had to let you go, even though it broke my heart to do it."

And that's when he said: "Babe, we were always meant to be together"