What sadness can bring

Mr M lost a very close friend a week ago. It was an unexpected and tragic death, and he leaves behind his wife and toddler, and a small community of family and friends struggling to comprehend what's happened.

Death and grief are two of my all-time least favourite subjects (and I don't think I'm alone in this). I have a tendency to run away from death and grief in the hopes that they will never touch my life; I know, I know, dumb and impossible.

But, Mr M has been utterly devastated by this loss and I am proud to say that even with my aversion, I have fully stepped up to help him through this sad and painful time.

I NEVER confront death. If the thought of it enters my head, my brain scrunches its eyes shut tight, holds its hands up to its ears and sings "LAH LAH LAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU" ever so loudly. But this time, I told my brain to stop. I'm not wallowing in my emotions, but I am sitting with them; welcoming them into my heart, acknowledging them and allowing them the time to be processed appropriately. I respect this man too much to ignore my hubands (and my own!) feelings on the sadness of his passing.

(Huh. It seems that I may have grown up somewhat... well, that and a few years of therapy!)

With this newfound sense of acceptance, I have also broken through my fear of visiting with our friend's wife. I was terrified that I would do something wrong, or say something stupid and thoughtless in my awkward uncomfortableness with the enormity of the situation. But in the face of her all-consuming grief, a grief that I cannot even begin to fathom (thanks to my never entertaining the thought of such a loss), I stared down my fear and reached out to her with an gigantic hug and a heart full of love. And from her reaction, I did good.
Side-note: I'm a great hugger, it's kind of my signature move.

~*~*~*~*~

As usually happens in the aftermath of a tragedy, the truly important things in your life tend to pop out in stark contrast to the mundane and ordinary things; the things that seem to consume all your time and energy but aren't really as important as they pretend to be.

Through the (far too) few times we have spent time together, and stories from Mr M, I know that his friend was funny, insightful, spiritual (though not religious), a very devoted husband and father, generous - he was a giver (of time, energy, and things when required), a super talented cinematographer, a writer, a refugee, a pain in the ass sometimes (aren't we all!), a dream chaser, a lover of animals, open-minded (and even when he was being a judgmental jerk, he was still open to the alternative view), an amazing friend to Mr M (with a fantastically eclectic bunch of friends), and a real go-getter; if he said he was going to do something, he went and did it. No exceptions. And everything that he did, he approached with an open heart ready to accept the adventure ahead.

Because of his friendship with Mr M, and with his passing, this man has become an inspiration to me. His heartbreakingly early death has reminded me that life is waaaaay to short to be fucking around with things that make me feel "meh" or make me unhappy. He was prolific with the work that he created, writing a feature film about his family's life and their ordeal to seek asylum in Australia in the 70s, whilst at the same time working on a documentary about an orchestra from his home country, and filming artistic adverts for international fashion houses.

He was living every single, day doing what he was passionate about and enjoying every moment. Yes there were bad times for him, and unpleasant interactions that impacted on him. But they never stopped him from pursuing what he wanted.

A few days after his death, I wrote a list: "Things that need to happen". Some of the things on the list are chores that I should have done ages ago (contact a financial advisor); some are things that are super important to do ASAFP, especially now that I know that any moment could be my last (write a will! This also falls under the should have done ages ago section); and some are things that I have been meaning to put effort into, but just never find (make!) the time to do.... such as writing and finding a side hustle.

To honour the life of this talented mo-fo, I have decided to live my life more fully. Concentrate on the things and people that fill my heart with love and joy. Dedicate some time each day to writing, and to find the joy in learning the craft. And together, Mr M and I have decided to live the life that we want to live; to pursue a lifestyle that results in our family's happiness.

Hold your loved ones close, and connect with those who mean the most to you, tell them WHY they mean so much to you. Try not to take anyone for granted, for who knows when they won't be there anymore.

Big love.

Gratitude Project - 7th November

I've been finding Monday's such a draaaag these last few weeks - probably because of the time of year, and the general exhaustion I think nearly everyone feels around now.

But every three months, I have to attend a two-hour meeting that seems to make the day infinitely longer. And then I have to experience it again when I write up the minutes; like it's not bad enough that I had to live through it the first time....

Today's meeting was in a room over looking a communal area, with a gorgeous jacaranda in the corner. Have I ever told you how much I love jacarandas?

I'm also excited that Mr M is home today. I love the solo time when he goes (trashy tv is my favourite!), but I love snuggling with him more, and I can't sleep without him... oh, that is almost vomit-inducing HAHAHA

Things I am grateful for today:

1. A summer breeze. There's a smell about summer, and an excitement that comes with it. Even though I'm a lifetime out of school, the smell of summer makes me think of looong school holiday and the joy of youth/young adulthood....

2. Chocolate. About an hour before my meeting this afternoon, I realised that I was going to need an energy boost. Now I could have been sensible and had a banana or some other healthy option.... but I ended up with a twix and a cuppa. It was perfect.

3. Leftovers! Even though Mr M was away last night, I (reluctantly!) made dinner as if he were home. And tonight, I reaped the benefits! A delicious dinner with next to no effort - my favoutire kind of meal!

What's your naughty go to snack - please don't let me be the only person who hits the chocolate!

Gratitude Project 18 - 20 April 2015

What a lovely weekend we had!

Mr M was working on Saturday, so I had Mac and Warrie all to myself. After a morning of chores around the house, I took them out for the afternoon.

After running around a playground for nearly two hours, I decided it was type for this mamma to go home and have a cuppa.

As I was strapping Warrie into his seat, Mac piped up with "Mummy, can we go to IKEA and play in the ball pit?". Unable to think of a valid excuse not to go, we headed over to IKEA and proceeded to wait for 45-minutes to get them into the one-hour free child care. Then I headed upstairs for a cup of tea and cake; I fully intended on working on a project I have, but ended up spending the time reading a book! It was such bliss.

Yesterday, we had a film crew at our house for a short film that Mr M is working on. I took the boys to a playcentre to meet with a girlfriend and her boys. Five hours of non-stop running around later, I headed home to find the crew still there. With two more scenes to film, I was delighted to be able to watch Mr M in cameraman mode for the first time ever.

{Mr M, doing his thang!}

It was utterly fascinating to be behind the scenes and see how the magic of the silver screen is made.

Today was a wet and miserable day, which of course meant that all the crazy people were out on the road to work.
After a shocking commute, I got out of the car only to realise that the umbrella was not in the car as I had assumed... and to top it all off, I discovered that my shoes have a hole in them, so I ended up with wet feet!
Oh well, if that is the worst thing I have to endure today, then I am a very lucky girl!

So the things I have been grateful for this weekend:

1. Spending some awesome time with my baby boys at the playground. They must have gone down that slide 50 time each - easily! Warrie crashed in the car before we made it home, so I put him straight to bed and then had a wonderful one-on-one cuddle with Mac. Which we both enjoyed. Those boys are the light of my heart.

2. My physio. I have some weird nerve/muscle/skeletal pain going on in my shoulder and neck. Whilst it hurts being manipulated, the kazillion cracks she got out of my back at the end of the session made it all worth it!

3. Mr M. I don't tell him often enough how grateful I am for him. I just always assume that he knows, but I want him to know know. Ya know? So not only will I put it out here, so the whole world can see how thankful I am for my amazeballs husband, I'm going to tell him to his face. And then I am going to give him the biggest cuddle ever!!

How was your weekend? Do you have a hole in your shoes? What was one of the biggest highlights of your weekend?

Gratitude Project 3 - 16 April 2015

It starts off with a long weekend away without writing.

Then it becomes a bit longer and hella embarrassing - I've put it out there that is want to start something to connect with people and yet I'm not taking part??

Finally it is 14 days later and has become something that I avoid, and the feeling of shame and embarrassment has grown to such huge proportions that I can't even face thinking about where to start....

But of course, the best thing to do is to just DO it, write something, ANYTHING.

So here are some of the things I have been grateful for during the last two weeks:

Having an abridged conversation about mental health with Mac; he heard me talking to my counsellor to cancel my appointment (I was home sick) and asked me who "Emily" was. I told him that she is someone that I talk to when all the thoughts in my head become too much for me, that talking to her helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings so I can be a happier mummy to him and Warrie. Not sure if he fully comprehended it all, but I've opened the door to him understand in that sometimes might need to talk to someone to help clear your head - and that it is ok if you do need help.

Whilst I was home sick Mr M and I were hanging out a load of washing when we heard a splash in the next door neighbours pool and their dogs barking like crazy. Thinking that one of the dogs had fallen in and couldn't get out, Mr M vaulted over the fence and ran to the pool. There was a dog in there, but it was trying to get hold of the rabbit, that belongs to our neighbours on the other side, who had made his way into their garden and fell in the pool trying to get away from the dogs. My heroic hubby saved the rabbit and introduced himself to the Pool Neighbour, who was understandably horrified to find a 6'3" man wandering in his garden! But once explanations were made they were soon chatting like old friends.

My Family. I spent two weekends with my folks in the Southern Highlands, the second weekend was for my stepdad's birthday and all the family came too. Spending time with my family really fills my heart with happiness and joy, and it was an absolute delight to share a mild sunny autumn day celebrating the birthday of the family patriarch.

My darling boys, Mac and Warrie. They are such snuggly and cuddly boys, and as the nights are becoming cooler the cuddles are becoming longer... I try to make the most of these cuddles as they are both growing up waaaay too fast, and I want to hold on to these precious moments for as long as I can.

Mr M. He's such an inspiration! About a month ago, Mr M took the bold and brave step of quitting his job to become a freelance photographer. As I watch him pouring in time and thought and effort into his new adventure I see his passion grow, and the joy he gets from being creative is delightful. He is even encouraging my budding photography interest and allows me to actually *gasp* use his amazeballs camera! One of the biggest compliments he has paid me was when he recently told his Dad that he thought I had a great eye for composition and what makes a good photo, needless to say I was thrilled.

I'm sorry for having been so slack the last couple of weeks, I promise to be better about keeping up with this project.

What's been happening with you? What has made you feel grateful these last two weeks?

What I'm doing now

I'm in KL for a long weekend to visit my Dad, who lives here, and my brother, who has flown in from the UK.

The view from the balcony looks like this:

It's 7.15am, the rest of the household is asleep. It's a muggy 26c with a ridiculously high humidity of 94% (!) and a very slight breeze that is just enough to ruffle the leave on the pot plants.

I am surrounded by the noise of tropical birds, the hum of the air conditioning units in the buildings around me and roaring traffic. And there's a certain smell to this place that I can't describe - although I'm sure I just got a whiff of maple syrup...

All of these things are so comforting and safe. They make me feel at home, and I put this down to having spent a chunk of my childhood growing up in Singapore.

Not only am I getting to see my brother for the first time in 14-months, but we are both on this jaunt spouse and child free!! Yep, I am having five whole nights away from my babies for the first time. It is equal parts wonderful and heart breaking... And I am relishing every moment.

I am so SO lucky to be here, and to be able to spend quality time with my men folk. There are no half held conversations as one or the other of us break up an argument over a toy, or deal with tears, or change a nappy, or answer the same question for the zillionth time.

It is bliss.

Because our time together is so short, we are taking things easy; there are no day trips planned, no excursions to nearby sights. We relax in the apartment (there may have been a couple of naps had yesterday), we wander down to the pool and chat about anything and everything as we laze in the chlorine. We plan our lunches over breakfast and our dinners over lunch - I love it when my day revolves around food! We sit in the easy silence of those who don't need to say a word about how happy we are to just simply BE with each other.

I miss my Boys desperately - I can't wait to see Mac and find out what happened at school; for Warrie to tell me all about how fast bullet trains can go and can he see a country train and did I know the noise that steam trains make; I can't wait to sleep next to Mr M - but I am so happy to be away from them.

And that is the joyful contradiction of being a parent.

But I needed this trip, this time away to be me without all the trappings of parenthood. I've had a pretty stressful six months or so, and I just needed to be free of all of it for a few days. I needed to be able to relax and be on my own timetable.

I don't know when I will have such a long break from the kids again, probably not for a good few years. So I don't feel guilty about this selfish indulgence (well I do, but I know that I shouldn't, so I try not to. It's a work in progress).

I am enjoying the moments that I have with the two men who have helped shape me. I am enjoying the late nights and the sleep ins. I am enjoying the time I have to reconnect with myself in the safety of two of the people I trust the most.

I know that when I get home I will fall back into the normal stresses of my life as a working mother, but hopefully I will do it bit better now I have had a chance to recharge my batteries.

What was your last selfish adventure? I'd love to hear about it, let me know in the comments below!

On writing

Intentionally or not, Mr M has lit a tiny fire under me.

It's up to me to keep the flames burning, but the spark is there.

So here I am. Again.

I need to be getting words down. Currently I have thoughts and ideas in my head but I don't put them down. They stay stuck in the void.

Mr M says I'm not a writer because I don't write things down.

He says that if I was really a writer, I would have a notebook and be jotting down notes.

All. The. Time.

Well more fool him, because I DO have a damn notebook. Sure I haven't written as much as I would/could/should.... But it's there.

And I HAVE had ideas, and I HAVE made notes.

Ok, indignation spent. Anger over.

I know that he was doing the whole reverse psychology thing. And I am just pissed because it worked... Again.

I have always wanted to write, ever since I can remember.

I used to write short stories when I was in primary school - it was about the only piece of homework I would ever complete on time.

When I had friends over to stay the night, we used to write short plays to perform for my family (I was more the writer, less the actor).

A school friend and I used to write radio shows that we (and a few other friends) would perform and record. It was usually a newscast or a sportscast, and my lasting memory of this is him pretending to be John McEnroe - a la "You canNOT be serious!"

I don't know what happened to dampen the desire... I blame hormones and boys. And probably a fondness for excessive nights out.

I've just started listening to a "how to be a writer" podcast. I know, I know, I can't believe I have only just discovered podcasts either.... I'm only a few episodes in, but already I have learnt so much just from listening to the interviews with authors. The way I spend my daily commute has pretty much changed my life (I'm also doing a "learn to speak French" podcast too).

I have a book inside me. That much I know. The only thing I have to deal with is the fact that it's a non-fiction book (I just don't think I have a novel in me... As much as I wish I did).

I've told a very small handful of people what my idea is, and the feedback I have had is "yes! I would read that!" - so very positive. 

That's the book that I want to write; but in the meantime I have a small little taster book that I'm working on; just to get me into the whole "I'm a writer" malarkey.

Though I can't help but wonder if it's a cop out... Keeping me from my real goal. 

Nonetheless, I AM going to finish my little book - I have an illustrator, I have to finish it!

I have bookie contacts who can help with the whole self publishing thing... I have to finish it.

For my own sense of accomplishment,I HAVE TO finish it!

Apart from anything else, I have put it down as a 2015 goal to finish it. So fuck anyone (myself and Mr M included) who thinks that it won't be done.

I would say "watch this space", but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.....

So watch this space!!! (haha fuck you deflated ego, you are so going to have to enjoy actually finishing something for a change!)

Gratitude Project - 24th - 29th April

Long weekends - nothing can beat one. Except two long weekends in a row!
With the Easter weekend and then ANZAC Day following close behind, I have had a fab couple of short working weeks. And returning to work for a full five days is going to be a challenge.

Oh how quickly I adapt to being away from the office....

The best part about the double whammy long weekend, is that Mr M has been off work. It's been such a help having him at home; mornings have been easier, as have the evenings!, and we created a new bedtime routine - me reading two books to the boys, with Warrie snuggling on my lap whilst Mr M cuddles up to Mac in his bed.

The one thing that really stuck out for me this second long weekend, is how much the ANZAC day has come to mean something to me. Maybe its because I have two boys, and I can identify with the mothers that lost their sons in Gallipoli? Whatever the reason, I spent much of the Friday morning explaining (or trying to!) the importance of ANZAC day to Mac... without using the words "died" or "war", which I thought might be a little confronting for a 4.5 year old! I'm not sure how much he understood, or indeed if he was even listening to me!, but I felt like I solidified a little more in my own heart and mind as to why it is an important day for me.

When I first moved back to Australia, nearly 13 years ago, I had no real concept of ANZAC Day. I knew what it represented, and I understood the gravitas that surrounded it. But I just thought of it as a day off work and that whatever I got up to, I would be "doing it for the Diggers" - usually with a drink in my hand.

But as the years went by, and especially once I had Mac and Warrie, the value of the day shifted for me. All those men who perished in the Great War, in order that the world would be a better place, that we would have our freedom. The selflessness of those who were (are!) willing to go to war, those who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, just blows my mind.

But I think the importance of the day really became apparent to me three years ago, when we were in Canberra kick-starting our honeymoon. We dragged Mac around the Australian War Memorial, (not sure what we were thinking, he was 18-months old!) and stayed for the Last Post ceremony. We had been reading the Roll of Honour, and I had just found my maiden name and was wondering if the names listed had been distant relatives of mine. Then the bugle started.

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I am not ashamed to admit that I sobbed.

Standing next to the names of possible relatives, my first born son in my arms, my new husband standing protectively behind us, on a cold, crisp and beautiful Canberra afternoon. The sun was setting, the crowd of visitors in the Memorial was silent, and the haunting sound of the bugle was echoing through the air... How can you not be touched by that?

I cried for the men whose names were on the Roll of Honour.
I cried for the men and women currently serving.
I cried with thanks that I live in such an amazing country, where everyday I take for granted my freedom to live my life the way I see fit.
I cried with fear for the world that my child would inherit, and hoped that the horrors of war will never be something that he has to experience - a hope that I am sure every single parent in the world shares for their children.

Things I have been grateful for this long weekend:

1. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm forever grateful to the men and women who put their lives on the line for their country.

2. Bedtime snuggles with my boys

3. Family time - we had a lot of it, and we all thrived!


This wasn't what I thought this post was going to be about, my intent had been "light and breezy". But I guess it was something that my soul felt needed to be told.

Do you have a particular public holiday that holds importance or special meaning for you? I'd love to hear about it!

Gratitude Project - 17th April

I'm posting this early, because Mr M and I are having a night on the town tonight and I cannot be held responsible for the state that I will come home in (nor the nonsense I would write if I was to allow myself access to my blog!)  :)

A night out! On the long weekend, with the kids having a sleepover at the grandparents! I am so excited... in fact, this is how I am feeling right now - I'm gonna have me some fun!

{Image credit}

I've even bought a new top for the occasion! My first non-work item of clothing purchased in.... well, a long time!

I got it from The Iconic and had it delivered within 3 hours. It was dangerously easy, and fun.

And just to cap it all off, Mr M thinks I look good in it  ;)




So although I haven't had a full day in which to find things to be grateful for, these are the things I am grateful for today:

1. Running with my bestie - this is probably one of the best changes I have made this year. Combining exercise and seeing my bestie for a chat.

2. Spotify on my office PC. I love having access to all sorts of music to suit my mood. At the moment, if I have a lot of work to do, I've started listening to "old skool house" music really loud and just powering through my work. It's awesome

3. My Mum. For having my boys tonight and for making it work, no matter what. She's amazeballs :)

What are your plans for the Easter long weekend? 

What's in a name?

Well, as I've decided to make a concerted effort to be better about posting on this blog, I think I'm going to have to rename a few things....

Firstly, my Little Monster and Even Littler Monster will be changing.
I was SO convinced that I was going to have a girl the second time around, that I thought Little Monster and Little Princess would make referring to the kids so easy. Yup, cue two boys and the original monikers are not so easy.
From now on (until I decide to change them again!), they will be referred to as Mac (my oldest) and Warrie (my youngest)

Husband has become Mr M - its just so much easier, down from 7 letters to 3 letters plus a space! Result!

I shall remain Melissa or Mrs M - unless I can come up with something better!

Looking forward to starting my Gratitude Project tonight!