Friday feels - 23 May

Today, my work bestie told me a very interesting story that a mutual colleague had shared over lunch - and it all stemmed from her asking "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

And it made me think about the worst thing I've ever done.

Now, I'm your basic goodie two shoes... sure I've done some things I'm not proud of, I've experimented, and I had my go at rebelling against "The Man" (whoever that is supposed to be). But essentially, I was a good kid/young adult. My mum was so lucky (and she will attest to that!!)

So I had to think pretty hard to find the worst thing I've done. And please bear in mind that my definition of "worst" is likely to be different from yours, and different again from the little old lady across the road...

So here's my worst thing:
When I was 13, I was staying over at a friends house. We snuck out of the house late one night to go to a local watering hole. There we stayed until 2am drinking beer with a bunch of American sailors fresh off the boats. Then we went back to my friends house, where we both smugly thought we had gotten away with our daring adventure... until my Mum confronted me the next afternoon when I got home. Apparently a friend of my family had seen me out without my parents, and mentioned it to her. Needless to say, I was grounded for a very long time.

I laughed when I was telling the story. How outrageous was I as a 13-year old!? OMG, hahaha, what was I even thinking??

I then I thought about it again; with the mind of a 36-year old, with the mind of a mother.

I was THIRTEEN. Out drinking beer with a bunch of SAILORS, all of whom were much older than us. And all FRESH OFF THE BOAT.

What the hell was I doing!? It's very apparent that I wasn't thinking. Jeez, I'm probably lucky to even be alive.

We were living overseas at the time, so I'm certainly lucky that we weren't caught by the police - it could have meant my family being deported.

And looking back on my life, that's what makes it the worst thing I've ever done; I put my family's lifestyle, my dad's job, mine and my brothers schooling in jeopardy.

I would like to say that I knew it was wrong, that I was lead astray by a girl with a much stronger personality than mine, and I was desperate to be her BFF (she was well in with the cool crowd, I floated (comfortably for the most part) between the cool and uncool crowds)... And that's all probably true, but gosh it makes me feel sad for my 13-year old self, that I couldn't stand up to her and say "WTF!? Go out drinking? I'd much rather stay home and play with my barbies!". Who knows, she probably would have been just as happy to do that too!

Moving on. Here are my Friday Feels:

Hearing: Mr M introduced me to Chet Faker last weekend. How have I not heard of him before!? This cover of No Diggity (a song that was one of the many soundtracks to my life in the 90's), is freaking awesome.



Seeing: It was a week of TV lasts and firsts in our household... I watched the last episodes of the current seasons of The Walking Dead, and the Vikings - not sure how I'm going to manage until the next season of both! I also finally managed to watch the first episode of the new season of Offspring. It's good to have Nina back on my screen, even though I cried almost the whole way through. Just as well I stocked up on tissues!! :)

Tasting: I tried a DELICIOUS slow cooker recipe on Tuesday, it was chicken wrapped in bacon cooked with grated apple and bbq sauce. We ate it with couscous and veggies. I will find that recipe and share it with you all, because it was divine!

Smelling: I took Mac to an open day at our local primary school on Tuesday. We were sat in a kindergarten room to talk to the Principal, and the smell and sights just flooded my brain with memories I had forgotten I even had!! As much as I am dreading him start school, I'm sort of looking forward to it too... I'm excited for him. I loved school and I have a feeling Mac will too.

Touching: A couple of weekends ago, I bought some new woolen jumpers - the first winter wardrobe items I have bought in about 5 years! There is one jumper in particular, a grey one, that is so soft and warm and cozy... But we've been having the most amazing weather this last week that I haven't had a chance to wear it yet!! Not that I'm complaining - I'm LOVING this autumnal weather!

So there you have it, my Friday Feels.

Let me know what you've been feeling this week, or tell me (if it won't get you into any trouble!) what's the worst thing you've done?

We were meant to be

Last night, Husband said probably the most romantic thing ever to me.

He told me: "Babe, we were always meant to be together"

We were driving home from our touch footy game; our two boys in the back, talking about how other people handle their relationships. He made some comment about how he had never been in a relationship where they broke up and got back together.

I looked at him - "But we did....."

~~~~~~~~~~

July 2008
Husband had been living and working in Fiji for about a year. We'd been taking turns to visit each other for a long weekend about every 10- to 12-weeks, but our relationship was mainly conducted via telephone, texts and emails.

My last visit to Fiji hadn't been a good one. In the few weeks leading up to the trip, contact with Husband had become less frequent and, when we did talk, it was very strained.

I spent the majority of our weekend at the beautiful Wananavu resort (quite possibly one of the most romantic places in the world!) with leaking eyes.... We were tense and stilted.

The dreaded phrase 'it's not you, it's me' had reared it's ugly head.

By the time I left, we had come to some sort of strange impasse. We were in limbo. No "issues" had been  discussed, we just knew that something wasn't right.

About a week later I got an email at work: "Call me when you get home, we need to talk."
Well you just know that isn't going to be a good conversation.

A few hours later, I hung up the phone in floods of tears. Whilst we hadn't actually broken up, things were not looking good.

During our hour long phone call, Husband had told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore; he wasn't even sure if he wanted a relationship.

Of course, looking back, and after subsequent conversations with Husband, it's clear to me (us) now that he was a man nearing a crisis. He was just 30; living away from family and friends, and a newly appointed GM dealing with some of the most stressful workplace issues he'd ever come across, all without any "on hand" means of support (from his employer as well as family and friends)

Somehow (and to this day, I still don't know how I managed it! I put it down to the counselling course I had completed a few year previously), somehow I found the courage inside to tell him that it was ok.
I told him that I loved him, and I wanted what was best for him. I told him I could ease some of his stress by giving him breathing space; I wouldn't email or text or call until he told me he was ready.

He had already booked a flight home for the end of August. So we agreed to see how things went until then. He thanked me for being so loving and understanding; he thanked me for being such a good friend.

We both cried. My heart broke.

During that time, as hard as it was, I was true to my word; I gave him space. Though every day my heart ached, and I wondered if we would make it.

It was Husband who initiated all the contact... In fact, during that time he emailed or texted me more than he had in the previous 6-weeks. I tried to keep it light; I didn't want to give him anything more to run away from.

It was a rough time, no denying.
And unlike me, I knew that he had no-one to talk to; no-one to vent about his stresses, no-one to talk through his thought processes... He ended up doing that with me, in regards to work, as we had done for the last 18-months. But I knew there was no-one for him to turn to personally, and it made me so sad for him.

He hadn't told his family. I was still having weekly dinners with them, and his Mum would always ask if he was ok. Three weeks into the ordeal, I finally broke and told her. Of course, she knew something was wrong, but he was resolutely avoiding the topic with her

Even his friends didn't know what was happening. Weeks later he told me that he hadn't said anything to them, because he knew they would give him a bollocking.
I knew that too, which was why I hadn't said anything to any of his friends. I just told them that he was a bit stressed and could do with a friendly ear.

I wanted him to work through it without people pressuring him....

I wanted him to choose me because he wanted to be with me, not because his friends and family had told him to be with me.

Soon. it was the day of his return. I went to the airport to wait for him in a state of turmoil; I was excited to see him again, but terrified as I knew that this was make or break.

Then I saw him, and he looked happier than he did when I had last seen him in Fiji.

And then he saw me; and his face lit up, and in that one brief moment, I knew, JUST KNEW, that we would make it.

~~~~~~~~~~

"It was just like the old saying: 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours...'" I said last night. "In order to keep you, I had to let you go, even though it broke my heart to do it."

And that's when he said: "Babe, we were always meant to be together"

The birth of my Little Monster

It all started on the 4th of October...
I woke up early in the morning with a new and different pain in my belly... I knew straight away, that this was it - Baby was on the way. What I didn't know was that it was the start of 3 & 1/2 days of pre-labour - lucky me!

After 24 hours of contractions, I called my midwife to let her know that I thought I might be heading to hospital soon. Boyfriend and I camped out on the sofa bed with my hospital bag at the door, but the contractions slowed right down during the night, and I was able to catch a few hours sleep. The same thing happened again the next night... talk about frustrating!!

On the Wednesday morning I went to the hospital to see my midwife, who did a stretch & sweep (once again, lucky me) and announced that I was 3cm dilated... which was very pleasing, as I didn't want those three days of pain to have been for nothing! She then sent me home with some panadine forte and told me to try and get some rest.... FAT CHANCE!! Within 30-minutes, my labour started for real ("Ahhh so THAT's what a contraction feels like!!"), and I spent the next 7-hours wandering around our flat wondering what the heck I had got myself into!

At 6.30pm, with contractions coming every 3-minutes, I made the final call to the midwife telling her to expect us in the hospital within the next 30-minutes. As soon as I was showered and ready to go, Boyfriend pulled me into the nursery and asked me if I was ready for what was about to happen; to which I promptly burst into tears and said "no!"... He then asked me to marry him - to which said "yes!" :) (heck, I would have said yes to anything at that point!! hehehe)

And then we were off!

All throughout my pregnancy I had hoped to have a natural water birth, but I had maintained my feminine right to change my mind at any given time and use all the drugs available to me ;)

I started off well. I spent a about an hour in the bath and tried to relax and go with the flow. But the contractions were getting stronger and faster, and at about 10pm I asked for the pethadine - I had now been in some sort of pain for about 80hrs with not an awful lot of sleep, and I was exhausted. In our ante-natal classes, we were told that some women can almost sleep when they have pethadine... unfortunately for me, that was not the case. Every time I tried to lay down and close my eyes, another contraction would hit me and I would have to get up, pace the room and moan with pain.

The pethadine also made me feel a heady combination of overly hyper, very woozy and pretty sick - and it's not easy to be heaving over the toilet and get through a contraction at the same time! The pain relief was minimal, and about an hour later I decided to try the gas.

At this stage (according to Husband, I don't really remember), I was making some pretty scary/weird sounds - my midwife said I was starting to transition. I couldn't get the timing with breathing the gas right; probably because the contractions were coming in fast a furious, and the pain was pretty much unbearable, so I requested an epidural.

I had to wait for about another 10mins before they could get me into a delievery suite (it was a busy night apparently!), but by golly it felt like years!!! Finally I walked the 20m to the delivery suite - stopping for two contractions along the way!

I then found out that I was 8cm dilated, and my body was spasming with each contraction. I had to argue with the anesthesiologist as to why I should have an epidural; she maintained that I was too far gone and wouldn't be able to stay still for long enough for her to give it to me.

My wonderful amazing midwife stood up to the silly cow and told her that I was not too far gone, and I thought that I could stay still for long enough. So after explaining the risks to me, AGAIN (I'm in labour lady, not stupid!!) I finally got the drugs (staying still and contracting wasn't easy, but I wanted those drugs, and I wasn't moving for anyone!)... and it was almost instant relief  :)

But when they put the monitor on, the Baby had a "non-reassuring heart rate", so they called in an obstetrician who decided that rather than doing a blood test from the scalp, it needed to be delivered straight away... and at 1.58am (on his due date, the clever little man!), my Little Monster was brought into the world by ventouse delivery.

Not my Little Monster - but almost as cute!

It was love at first sight, and every day since then he has found new (and usually very entertaining!) ways to make my heart sing.

{images from here, here and  here}

10 Things you REALLY didn't need to know about me



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I sort of feel like I have "made it" in the blogging world - I have had my first tag in a "10 Things" game.... So a big THANK YOU and shout out to the lovely Karen at Simply Said for tagging me  J

Except now I have to think about 10 whole things that you really don't need to know about me, AND that I would deem postable for the interwebs...

Hmmm, this isn't going to be easy... but here we go!

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10 Things you REALLY didn't need to know about me

1. I am not a neat and tidy person, but I am CLEAN person (at least I used to be before the arrival of the Little Monster!).
A pile of clothes laying on the floor? Couldn't care less.
Potential lurgies living on my kitchen surface? Quick hand me the bleach!!

2. I love Sudoku, the harder the better.
It is a major part of my bedtime routine! If I don't do at least one puzzle whilst waiting for the Sandman, then I can't sleep. And occasionally if I'm stuck on one when I drift off, I solve the puzzle in my sleep!

3. If I am hungry, I am cranky.
I will snarl at you if you so much as look at me funny when I'm hungry. And if you ask me to do anything that requires some vague exertion, make no mistake, I will bite your head off.
But just to clarify (and hopefully not scare you all off!), I do have to be completely ravenous; as in I-could-eat-my-own-arm hungry.

4. Ditto for being tired; as in about-to-fall-asleep-on-my-feet-tired.
Get that girl to bed!!

5. When it comes to all things technical or gadety, I am a wannabe Gen Y.
iPhone 4S? Want it. Social media? It practically controls me.  J
I haven't yet figured out how Google+ works... and honestly, I don't think I'll bother.

6. (sticking with the social media theme for one more go) I am addicted to some of the games on Facebook.
I will admit that Farmville was one of them for a while, but I have weaned myself off of that one, thankfully!!

7. Shoes are my weakness.
I can't walk in a heel bigger than 3cm, but I sure can lust after them... Prior to being a Mummy, one of my favourite thing to do was to hang out in various department stores trying on the tallest and most expensive pair of shoes (hellloooo Jimmy Choo!) and then teeter around on the carpet (I can't seem to walk on a normal floor surface in heels, what the heck is wrong with me!?); or stand in front of the full length mirror admiring how awesome stilettos made my legs look  J

8. I am a freestyle step addict!!
I was doing intermediate freestyle step classes three times a week whilst pregnant with the LM. I only stopped stepping at 37-weeks because I wanted to be "properly pregnant" - ie stuffing my face and lazing on the sofa - just for a little while

9. I love reading/printing off/collecting recipes, but I'm not a big fan of cooking; probably because I hate the washing up. (Which kind of contradicts 10...)
Occasionally I will go through a phase of cooking something new and exciting every night for a week (Husband thoroughly enjoys these rare moments!), but generally I stick to my handful of old faithfuls that don't really require much thought or effort.
That being said, on the rare occasions I have the time (and toddlers are a great time sapper!) I do enjoy creating a delicious meal that Husband and I will go back for seconds or even thirds of!

10. I. LOVE. FOOD.
If I could eat for 16 hours a day (and not get disgustingly fat!) I absolutely would!
My Stepdad says that watching me eat makes him hungry because I enjoy my food so much. I take that as a compliment.

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So there you have it. 10 things you now know about me, that you probably didn't need to know.
And you know what? As I got closer to the last one, I could suddenly think of lots more to add! I think I'll save those little tidbits for another post.

Now the game goes that you are supposed to tag five other blogs to keep the tag going, but all the blogs I follow have already done this.

So until I make some more bloggy friends, why don't you tell me 3 things that I didn't really need to know about you! J

Regrets? I've had a few

*~*~* Sorry for the lack of images - I couldn't find anything that felt like it matched the words *~*~*

The other day I was talking to my mum about regrets, and how I have only one regret.

Of course there are all those "morning after" regrets; the extra shot I should never have asked for, the boy I did or didn't kiss, the one night stand that became a relationship* ...

Not to mention the shopping regrets; the jeans that I never lost weight for, that dress that was a little on the "slutty" side, the $250 shoes I only wore once...

But in the grand scheme of things, these are all very minor. And not really regrets, more living life, making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.

My one regret is that I didn't study French after my GCSE's.

Rightly or wrongly, I blame this on my teacher at the time. She used the double whammy approach of teaching with sarcasm and reverse psychology... which some people can cope with, they take on a "I'll show you" attitude and get great results.

But not me - if you tell me often enough that I'm too stupid, I'll believe you.

So all the "You'll never pass your exams" and "Don't even bother trying to do A-level French, you'll never be able to do it" comments, they hit home.
Every. Single. Time.

But I passed my exams. What's more I got an A+, thank you very much.

So I guess I did show her.

Yet I just couldn't find the belief in myself that I could be sucessful at a higher level. I had spent two years listening to this woman tell the class (me) that we were idiots and didn't have the aptitude for languages.

So despite the fact that she was obviously so very wrong, and I absolutely had the brain for languages, I pushed French to the side and tried my hand at something else - something that I well and truly failed in.
Hey, why fail at all unless you are going to do it in spectacular style?!

After talking to my Mum about this regret, she turned and looked at me and said, "Do you realise just how lucky you are?"

Ummmm, apparently not Mum.... in what way?

"You have the ability and opportunity to change that - it no longer has to be a regret for you. So many people have such big regrets that they can never change..."

I sat still for a moment to let that sink in... It didn't take long for the enormity of her words to hit me.

Not only can I fix my regret and study French again, but I have been lucky enough to have (so far!) lived my life making big decisions that I have been happy with.

And for an indesicive and procrastinating person with low self-belief.... I think that's pretty damn awesome.

Do you have any regrets? Do you have the ability to change them?

* to be fair, I didn't actually regret that one, at the time or even now. It just sounded good when I wrote it...

A blank page can be a daunting thing

I have been slack.

There has been no post since Friday, and for that I offer my apologies, dear followers.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a writer. I have always thought that I have a novel inside me that just needs a little help to come out.

That was one of my secret reasons to start this blog - so I could write, I could find my voice, I could find my novel, and I could *ahem* be "published".

When I started writing my first post, I had a kazillion ideas floating around my head. So I stuck them in draft. A few I have used, a few were deleted, and a few are waiting for later.

And now here I am, a blank canvas in front of me... and I can find no words. Which is unfortunate. I mean what's the point of having a blog if you have no words!?

This must be what Writer's Block feels like.

Boy does it suck.

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The Story of Us - aka a Proposal to Remember

I've just read through my last post - hmmmm, t'was a tad... cranky, for want of a better word. So let me counter act that unpleasantness with the uplifting "Story of Us"...

Nearly 9 years ago, I was quietly sitting at my office desk, minding my own business, when a spunky young man who I had met before, and briefly chatted with, sat down at the desk next to mine and started talking.
A mere 15 minutes later, he walked away again. Leaving in his wake a young woman with a smile the size of the sun on her face; we had just arranged our first date! You see that cute guy who just left the building, he's my Boyfriend!!

Fast forward 6 years, during which time my Boyfriend and I had travelled to the UK, Jordan, Russia, Oman, Fiji; we had moved overseas to start a business and we had moved back to Australia to close a business.... It was a busy time!
We had just finished a 16-month stint of living in separate countries (not fun!) and were finally together again, in our little flat, re-discovering our bond as a full time couple.

We had talked about marriage before, and always came back to the point “but we know how we feel about each other, and our commitment to this relationship – lets be happy with that”, and we were.

And then I peed on a stick  J 

Fast forward another 9-months, during which time my belly had grown to outrageous proportions, my patience had shrunk, and I was waddling like a penguin. Sexy stuff!

After 3 days of pre-labour and 7 hours of labouring at home, I decided that it was time to go to hospital (don't worry, for those who are interested, our birth story will be another post!)

Just as we are about to leave the flat, my Boyfriend pulls me in to the baby's room.

"Are you ready?" He asks, with his arm around my shoulders.
I burst into tears, "No!" I cry, "I am not ready!"
And then out it comes (his proposal, people, not the baby!) "Melissa, I love you. I am so proud of you. I can't wait to meet this new person that we have made together, and I am so excited for our future. Will you marry me?"
I cried harder "Yes! Now can we please go to the hospital!?"
(Honestly? I cannot remember the exact phrasing used by my Boyfriend during the proposal. But bear in mind, I was in labour, very exhausted and an insanely heady mix of excited and terrified about what was to come (with the baby, people, not the wedding!)... so I have chosen to use some creative license in this particular narrative)

Totally not us!

Cut to 8 hours later, when my Fiance and I welcomed our beautiful Little Monster into the world, and all thoughts of proposals and weddings completely vanished from our heads, until we suddenly remembered to tell our families two weeks later.

My Husband and I were married April this year. After 8 ½ years of blissfully living in sin, and with a Little Monster in the mix, we finally decided to make it official.  J

Pics: 1 & 2 3

Introductions

Welcome back, it’s good to see you  J

I guess I’ll kick off the introductions:

Hi! My name is Melissa. I’m a 30-something, recently married, mother to a gorgeous little boy and a crazy cat.

I somehow manage to balance being a full-time employee with being a full-time mum; and I will admit that the housework was the first to suffer. But as long as I get to enjoy most of my weekends with my little family, I don’t really give two hoots about trying to be a perfect housewife (so I guess my profile picture might be more than a little misleading!)

NB – I actually really REALLY want to be a housewife; y'know, the type that always has a clean home that smells good because there is something yummy baking in the oven. But apart from the fact that I work full-time (out of financial necessity, not desire!), I also think that I am not really that type of person... But who knows. Maybe there is a housewife hiding inside this slob!! Or maybe one day the magic housewife fairy will visit me and I will wake up being a regular Stepford wife! But I digress... (and I do that a lot too)

Our Little Monster (our son, not the cat) is almost 2 years old. He is a constant source of amusement and delight to my husband and I; with a healthy dose of “annoying” thrown in for good measure. His favourite saying at the moment is “oh come on!” – which works on a surprising number of levels, with any number of inflections of tone. His favourite dish du jour is crumpets with jam or honey; any time, day or night. And his favourite past time is attempting to play games on the iPad; we consider it a good day if he asks for the “phone” a mere 30 times.

Meow-Meow, before he went completely psycho

Our cat used to have a name... but because of the Little Monster he is now known as Meow-Meow. He is a psycho cat; I’m pretty sure if he was a dog he’d be required to be muzzled at all times. I constantly have scars on my arms from the scratches and bites that he has “lovingly and playfully” administered. And yet, he has the patience of an almost-saint with the Little Monster... which is probably why he goes mental with us – he’s releasing all of his pent up anger. Don’t get me wrong, he’s swiped at the Little Monster – despite our repeated warnings to the poor kid – but not with the same level of malice he reserves for us.

My husband and I were married in April this year; on the Thursday before the Easter long weekend. And because the Anzac Day holiday was on the following Tuesday, it meant that our guests had a super extra long weekend! Aren’t we a thoughtful couple  J

A post dedicated to the proposal/wedding will come along soon; I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much too soon!

Well I’ve told you a little about me, and over the course of this blog you will learn so much more about me (maybe even a little too much?!??)

Now the ball is back in your court; and you are....?  J

Acknowledgement for first picture.

The first blog

So this is it. I’m taking the plunge; I’m setting up a blog.

I’m going to lay my life out there for the scrutiny of the world… and I’m scared. What if it’s boring? What if I think it’s funny, but nobody else does?
Or worse still…. WHAT IF NOBODY LIKES IT??!

I follow a few blogs – every one offers me something; a snippet of advice here; a pearl of wisdom there; a delicious recipe that I will talk about, but never get around to making; and always a good giggle.
I would love to be able to offer the same to people who may read this blog, but my advice and my wisdom come from others; my cooking skills are mediocre; my sense of humour is not always mainstream….

I guess the first thing I need to do is to think about is what do I want from this blog – do I want this to be a roaring success where I can create a business from it?
Hmmmm, probably not as:
a) I’m a procrastinator (it’s taken me almost 12-months to get this initial blog written!) and
b) I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up!!

Ooookaaay then, so let’s start a little smaller – what will this blog be about?
Well, I want a place to share some of the things going on in my life; the wonderful things my little Monster says or does that make me smile; the things I love, the things I don't; the journey that I’m on as I try to balance my life as a Mother and Wife, whilst still trying to maintain a shred of my Self.
And if I happen to make some new friends from it, then that is a bonus  J

Right, that’s it. I’m going with “I want this blog to be my outlet; a journal of what goes on in my (often) mundane life”.

Hey, it’s a starting point, and as a good friend of mine said – I can always start a new blog if this one doesn’t work out  J

So everyone…

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!