A return to gratitude

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Being back in the real world after my ah-MAZE-ing trip to see my menfolk has been a little difficult to re-adjust to, and I have once again found myself treading down that well-worn path to "The Blues"...

I had a counselling session today, and at the end my counsellor set me homework: to spend 10-minutes EVERYDAY for the next week doing something to look after myself. It could be a walk, a meditation, sitting in silence, anything. I just have to do whatever I need for ME in that 10-minutes.

She has no idea how much I need to do just that.... Well, she probably does, seeing as she's my counsellor, but you know what I mean :)

But it made me realise that self-care has been so low on my list of priorities; like most mothers, my days seem to revolve around making sure that the kids (and husband!) are dressed/fed/bathed/happy/entertained/etc... I have almost no regard (or time!) for my own needs.

But she has given me permission to look after myself, and to be ok with it.

One of the things I have let slide of the last few months has been my gratitude journal - I've not written in it since the beginning of the year, which is pretty sucky when I know that I have so much that I am grateful for, and the fact that counting my gratitudes at the end of the day is a major tool in my arsenal against depression.

As I refuse to continue down the path of bleakness, I need to restock my well of happy-ness and remind myself of all the wonderful things I have in my everyday life.

So tomorrow I am going to restart my Gratitude Project for the month of April. At the end of the day I will post a snapshot of my day, my thoughts and feelings, and the three things I am grateful for.

I will also post a visulal of some of the things that I am grateful for to my Instagram too.

Feel free to join in my Gratitude Project here, or on FB or Instagram, and use #MTWGratitudeProject so I can see what things or moments brighten your day!

What I'm doing now

I'm in KL for a long weekend to visit my Dad, who lives here, and my brother, who has flown in from the UK.

The view from the balcony looks like this:

It's 7.15am, the rest of the household is asleep. It's a muggy 26c with a ridiculously high humidity of 94% (!) and a very slight breeze that is just enough to ruffle the leave on the pot plants.

I am surrounded by the noise of tropical birds, the hum of the air conditioning units in the buildings around me and roaring traffic. And there's a certain smell to this place that I can't describe - although I'm sure I just got a whiff of maple syrup...

All of these things are so comforting and safe. They make me feel at home, and I put this down to having spent a chunk of my childhood growing up in Singapore.

Not only am I getting to see my brother for the first time in 14-months, but we are both on this jaunt spouse and child free!! Yep, I am having five whole nights away from my babies for the first time. It is equal parts wonderful and heart breaking... And I am relishing every moment.

I am so SO lucky to be here, and to be able to spend quality time with my men folk. There are no half held conversations as one or the other of us break up an argument over a toy, or deal with tears, or change a nappy, or answer the same question for the zillionth time.

It is bliss.

Because our time together is so short, we are taking things easy; there are no day trips planned, no excursions to nearby sights. We relax in the apartment (there may have been a couple of naps had yesterday), we wander down to the pool and chat about anything and everything as we laze in the chlorine. We plan our lunches over breakfast and our dinners over lunch - I love it when my day revolves around food! We sit in the easy silence of those who don't need to say a word about how happy we are to just simply BE with each other.

I miss my Boys desperately - I can't wait to see Mac and find out what happened at school; for Warrie to tell me all about how fast bullet trains can go and can he see a country train and did I know the noise that steam trains make; I can't wait to sleep next to Mr M - but I am so happy to be away from them.

And that is the joyful contradiction of being a parent.

But I needed this trip, this time away to be me without all the trappings of parenthood. I've had a pretty stressful six months or so, and I just needed to be free of all of it for a few days. I needed to be able to relax and be on my own timetable.

I don't know when I will have such a long break from the kids again, probably not for a good few years. So I don't feel guilty about this selfish indulgence (well I do, but I know that I shouldn't, so I try not to. It's a work in progress).

I am enjoying the moments that I have with the two men who have helped shape me. I am enjoying the late nights and the sleep ins. I am enjoying the time I have to reconnect with myself in the safety of two of the people I trust the most.

I know that when I get home I will fall back into the normal stresses of my life as a working mother, but hopefully I will do it bit better now I have had a chance to recharge my batteries.

What was your last selfish adventure? I'd love to hear about it, let me know in the comments below!

On writing

Intentionally or not, Mr M has lit a tiny fire under me.

It's up to me to keep the flames burning, but the spark is there.

So here I am. Again.

I need to be getting words down. Currently I have thoughts and ideas in my head but I don't put them down. They stay stuck in the void.

Mr M says I'm not a writer because I don't write things down.

He says that if I was really a writer, I would have a notebook and be jotting down notes.

All. The. Time.

Well more fool him, because I DO have a damn notebook. Sure I haven't written as much as I would/could/should.... But it's there.

And I HAVE had ideas, and I HAVE made notes.

Ok, indignation spent. Anger over.

I know that he was doing the whole reverse psychology thing. And I am just pissed because it worked... Again.

I have always wanted to write, ever since I can remember.

I used to write short stories when I was in primary school - it was about the only piece of homework I would ever complete on time.

When I had friends over to stay the night, we used to write short plays to perform for my family (I was more the writer, less the actor).

A school friend and I used to write radio shows that we (and a few other friends) would perform and record. It was usually a newscast or a sportscast, and my lasting memory of this is him pretending to be John McEnroe - a la "You canNOT be serious!"

I don't know what happened to dampen the desire... I blame hormones and boys. And probably a fondness for excessive nights out.

I've just started listening to a "how to be a writer" podcast. I know, I know, I can't believe I have only just discovered podcasts either.... I'm only a few episodes in, but already I have learnt so much just from listening to the interviews with authors. The way I spend my daily commute has pretty much changed my life (I'm also doing a "learn to speak French" podcast too).

I have a book inside me. That much I know. The only thing I have to deal with is the fact that it's a non-fiction book (I just don't think I have a novel in me... As much as I wish I did).

I've told a very small handful of people what my idea is, and the feedback I have had is "yes! I would read that!" - so very positive. 

That's the book that I want to write; but in the meantime I have a small little taster book that I'm working on; just to get me into the whole "I'm a writer" malarkey.

Though I can't help but wonder if it's a cop out... Keeping me from my real goal. 

Nonetheless, I AM going to finish my little book - I have an illustrator, I have to finish it!

I have bookie contacts who can help with the whole self publishing thing... I have to finish it.

For my own sense of accomplishment,I HAVE TO finish it!

Apart from anything else, I have put it down as a 2015 goal to finish it. So fuck anyone (myself and Mr M included) who thinks that it won't be done.

I would say "watch this space", but I don't want to put too much pressure on myself.....

So watch this space!!! (haha fuck you deflated ego, you are so going to have to enjoy actually finishing something for a change!)

Friday Feels - 29 August

Well it's been a few of the most stressful weeks of my life - not even the week leading up to my wedding was as bad!!

But it seems as though the worst is behind me; the situation has been somewhat diffused by a mediated discussion and I can finally move on.

However this experience has left me with a somewhat bitter taste towards my work... but I'm taking it as an absolute motivator to push me into finding what it is that is meaningful and fills me with passion and excitement.

I have some ideas, but I won't jinx anything just yet. Sorry to be so frustratingly vague :)

Instead, I'll just jump right into my Friday Feels!

Hearing: I think I've mentioned it before, but Spotify has a Throwback Thursday playlist that I follow - today it was trowing back to 1984, so much awesomeness! Then this song came on:



This song is the anthem of my Mum, my brother and I.
I have such vivid memories of hearing/watching it on MTV and the three of us dancing like loons around the room. Good times :)

Seeing: The sun!! Sydney has had so much rain the last couple of weeks, and then the sun finally made an appearance yesterday - it was so blissful to walk without an umbrella!

Tasting: Every now and then, my step-dad and I get together for lunch and pig out on Hungry Jacks. This week we indulged in a double whopper meal, and it was delicious!!

Smelling: Spring. It's definitely in the air, Mr M was complaining about having an itchy nose today! Only days to go until we are a whole season closer to summer!!

Touching: The baby soft skin on my boys faces. Warrie is shedding his baby fat like it's going out of fashion, and his chubby cheeks are turning into the cheeks of a proper little boy.
I miss their baby faces something fierce... but I love watching them grow into wonderful boys, complete with fart humour, light sabers made from used toilet rolls, and grotty faces.

How has your week been? What song reminds you of dancing around the room as a child?

Friday Feels - 1st August

After yesterday's pretty epic post, I'm not feeling particularly wordy today... so I'll just head straight into my Feels for the week.

Hearing: I have a confession (don't we all!): the "Golden Oldies" radio station is one of my favourite to listen to. That said, I think it is horrible and terrifying that they are starting to play my favourite tunes from the 90's... Surely the 90's can't be in the golden oldies phase yet!?!
Today this song came on the radio, and instantly I was transported back to my childhood; specifically, the health club where my dad was the squash instructor, I could almost smell the place. I love how music can do that!

Seeing: My all-time favourite series of books is being made into a TV show which starts in the US next week, so I have been watching all sorts of trailers and interviews with the cast and author. It's had me squee'ing like a teenager... and I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry when I see the first episode!
If you haven't already heard about Outlander, trust me it won't be long until you do - it's going to be bigger than Game of Thrones!

Tasting: Last weekend I had five bananas that needed using up, so I made 38 banana choc chip muffins. I was sensible (for once!) and froze them in smaller batches so I could savour them... and yeah, we're down to our last four. Either Mr M and I are gluttons, or they were super delicious. I'm going for the latter!

Smelling: This week we have had some unseasonably warm weather - it was a sunny and glorious 24c yesterday! The trees and flowers responded to the warmth, and I could smell spring in the air. It was delightful

Touching: My cat has his fluffy winter coat at the mo, and it is so soft and touchable. The best part is on his belly, but because he is a psycho cat I can only rub it when he's asleep. It's just as well for me that he is really enjoying snoozing on the sofa whilst Mr M and I watch the telly.

How was your week? What is your favourite type of music to listen to - I'm always open to expanding my musical tastes :)