It's time for a change

Have you ever woken up one morning, and just KNOWN that something has fundamentally shifted within you?

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I've had it once before (that I've been aware of), when I realised that it was time to end my previous relationship.

But usually I have a minor shift; nothing that I really take notice of, more of a general “hmm, I think I might need something to change, but I’m pretty ok with what’s going on so I’ll keep it in mind but I’ll leave it for a while”

After one of these shifts, I will often give a half-hearted attempt to look for something that has the potential to soothe my soul. But I never follow through with anything, and so have never found what it is that I need. Oh man, I am so not good to myself!

A couple of months ago I had another minor shift, and so I have been in the perfunctory throes of trying to find what it was that could ease my appetite for… well, I don’t know what actually. I just know that I have been searching for something.

Then weekend before last, I went into the study to clean up a pile of books that Warrie had thoughtfully pulled off the bookshelves. The first book on the top of the pile was a book that I had bought years ago, but never got around to reading – “I could do anything. If only I knew what it was” by Barbara Sher.

I picked the book up and put it on my bedside table.

A few days later I flicked through the book, and it randomly opened at a page. The following extract jumped off of the page and hit me like a tonne of bricks.

“… people who fear failure have got it wrong. They really fear success. If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful. People who fear anything stay as far away from it as possible.”

Wow. Powerful stuff, right?

I had to re-read it a few times to make sure that I had understood what I was seeing. And every time I read it, it was like an alarm going off in my head.

I have spent so many, many years telling myself that I wasn't doing things because I was scared of failing at them. In fact, Mr M and I had a bit of a row about it just last month – I had told him I wasn't writing because I was scared of not being good enough at it, and his response was to tell me that I was talking a crock of shit; that I was making excuses. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him for the rest of the evening.

“If you truly feared failure, you’d be very successful.”

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Then I saw that line, and suddenly I got it. Mr M was right, I WAS talking shit. And I have been making excuses for myself for YEARS – hiding behind my so called “fear of failure” to justify to myself why I hadn't taken chances.

The crazy thing is, when I HAVE taken chances things have worked! The biggest (and best) example of this was breaking off my engagement and leaving my life in the UK to take a chance on a new relationship in Australia.

I risked everything to be with someone I thought could be “The One”, and I ended up married to the love of my life and with two gorgeous boys to boot. Pretty sure that counts as successfully conquering my fears!

A few weeks ago, I had a situation at work that has shaken me to my core; my professional and personal confidence has been shattered, and I have been left confused, scared and very unsure.

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Since then, I have spent a LOT of time thinking about the situation. An unhealthy amount of time, actually.

I have been trying to shift my mindset from one of fretting about and worrying at the problem, to a much healthier one of not worrying about what has already has happened, letting go, and dealing with things as they arise.

No mean feat for a girl who has been a life-long worrier!

But I think I have been successful. Now, nearly three weeks on, I see this “situation” at work as a catalyst of sorts.

I believe that things happen for a reason. And as distressing and exhausting as it is; I know that this has happened so that I can grow from it.

Maybe the Universe was sick and tired of me not following through with the minor shifts I had been feeling, and this was the only way it could get my attention.

Maybe it’s just my turn to have something a little unpleasant happen to me (and let’s face it, if this is the worst that I ever have to deal with then I am a very lucky girl!)

Whatever the reason, there has been a fundamental shift within my psyche that is too big to ignore. I can no longer stay stagnant; I have to move, I have to push my boundaries.

I have to be brave and find what it is that truly makes my heart and soul sing.

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What makes your heart and soul sing? Have you ever experienced a shift of your be-ing? I’d love to hear about your journey!

Friday Feels - 11 July

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This week, I've been thinking about memories a lot... I watched the intro to "Midnight in Paris" and the yearning I had to go to Paris was almost a physical hurt. I was asking Mr M about his memories of Paris, and if we should include it on our Big Trip, when I suddenly remembered - Duh! I've actually BEEN to Paris....

I was ashamed for a moment that I had forgotten about that trip, and over the last few days, I've been trying to recall the memories of the trip. I mean, it's PARIS for goodness sake, and it was my first weekend away with a boyfriend. Yeah, I was there about 20 years ago, but surely I should have some sort of lasting memory of it?

But things get muddled, and I'm not sure if some of my memories of Paris are from that weekend away, or the school trip I took to EuroDisney, when we spent a day in Paris on the way home.... let alone the effect that Hollywood will have had on my memories.

So I've decided to try to recall some memories of the bigger trips I've taken and the amazing places I've seen in my life. I've had a pretty interesting life (well, I like to think so!), so I hope you don't mind me sharing them with you  :)

Ok, moving on to my Friday feels:

Hearing: I have rediscovered deep house music, and I've been listening to it every day in the office in an attempt to focus on work and stop the distractions.
My other Spotify favourite is their #ThrowbackThursday playlist....  this Oasis song came on today and pretty much picked me up and threw me right back into the 90's




Seeing: Yesterday, Mr M and I went on my first ever bush walk. It was a relatively easy trail, that headed towards Red Hands Cave. The sun was shining, the air was crisp and I was spending the morning walking with my beloved - as an antidote to the way my week had been shaping up, nothing could have been better.

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Tasting: Well, this one is a bit of a throwback to a few weekends ago. I had seen a write up for a local gyro place, where the queue is our of the door. The gyros are out of this world!

Smelling: Mr M was away for a week for work recently - I have a whole new found respect for single parents!! It wasn't until he returned and I smelled his deodorant that I realised just how much I had missed his smell

Touching: Warrie loves me to "tickle back", and will sit on my lap with a look of utter bliss on his face as I tickle his little back... its so small, for now. It's a combo of joy and sorrow as I measure the size of Mac and Warrie's backs with my hand, tickle their soft downy skin, and trace their strong straight spines. Oh gosh I love my little boys!!

Have you ever forgotten a trip or a special place that you've been to?

What's your favourite travel memory? 

My first ever guest post!

A while back my beautiful friend Trishie, from Under Lock and Key, asked me if I would like to write about my decision on returning to work after the birth of Mac and Warrie, and I jumped at the chance!

So here it is, my first ever guest post!!

I didn't know that it had gone live - an issue with my phone meant that I had been basically uncontactable (is that even a word!?!) for over a week.

I also had a work issue crop up from left field at the end of last week, and have been feeling pretty less than ordinary the last few days.

But today, Trishie called me for a general chit chat and it boosted my mood ten fold... seriously, this lady has the best laugh and she know just what to say to cheer me up!

Just before we finished the call, she asked me if I had seen the post and read the comments that her readers had left. I told her no, but promised that I would as soon as we finished our conversation.

Boy am I glad that I did!

The response from her readers was overwhelming; so supportive and lovely. They boosted my confidence and lifted my soul - something that I didn't even realise I needed until I read the comments.

A number of people thanked me for my honesty in the post, and that's something that I am very proud of.

When I had my boys, I promised myself that I would always be honest about parenting - I saw (and experienced!) first hand, the mothers who would only tell people the "good stuff" about parenting... you know, how it is all sunshine and unicorns.

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Yes it is an amazing and wonderful journey and I don't ever want to be without my kids - but you had better believe that there are moments (sometimes whole days!) where I would like nothing more than to be childless, to have the freedom (and the money!) to travel, or go out for a nice meal, or have actual conversations with people.

But let me tell you something else... when I pick them up from daycare, after a day spent in the office and up to an hour in peak hour traffic - there is NOTHING in this universe that is more restorative than my little boys running towards me, with their arms outstretched and their hearts on their faces, shouting "MUMMY!" and giving me the biggest bear hug imaginable

It's a cliche for a reason.... They really do make it all worthwhile.

Are you a parent? Do work, or are you a stay at home parent? What do your children (or nieces, nephews, grandchildren) do that makes everything worthwhile?

Friday feels - 23 May

Today, my work bestie told me a very interesting story that a mutual colleague had shared over lunch - and it all stemmed from her asking "What's the worst thing you've ever done?"

And it made me think about the worst thing I've ever done.

Now, I'm your basic goodie two shoes... sure I've done some things I'm not proud of, I've experimented, and I had my go at rebelling against "The Man" (whoever that is supposed to be). But essentially, I was a good kid/young adult. My mum was so lucky (and she will attest to that!!)

So I had to think pretty hard to find the worst thing I've done. And please bear in mind that my definition of "worst" is likely to be different from yours, and different again from the little old lady across the road...

So here's my worst thing:
When I was 13, I was staying over at a friends house. We snuck out of the house late one night to go to a local watering hole. There we stayed until 2am drinking beer with a bunch of American sailors fresh off the boats. Then we went back to my friends house, where we both smugly thought we had gotten away with our daring adventure... until my Mum confronted me the next afternoon when I got home. Apparently a friend of my family had seen me out without my parents, and mentioned it to her. Needless to say, I was grounded for a very long time.

I laughed when I was telling the story. How outrageous was I as a 13-year old!? OMG, hahaha, what was I even thinking??

I then I thought about it again; with the mind of a 36-year old, with the mind of a mother.

I was THIRTEEN. Out drinking beer with a bunch of SAILORS, all of whom were much older than us. And all FRESH OFF THE BOAT.

What the hell was I doing!? It's very apparent that I wasn't thinking. Jeez, I'm probably lucky to even be alive.

We were living overseas at the time, so I'm certainly lucky that we weren't caught by the police - it could have meant my family being deported.

And looking back on my life, that's what makes it the worst thing I've ever done; I put my family's lifestyle, my dad's job, mine and my brothers schooling in jeopardy.

I would like to say that I knew it was wrong, that I was lead astray by a girl with a much stronger personality than mine, and I was desperate to be her BFF (she was well in with the cool crowd, I floated (comfortably for the most part) between the cool and uncool crowds)... And that's all probably true, but gosh it makes me feel sad for my 13-year old self, that I couldn't stand up to her and say "WTF!? Go out drinking? I'd much rather stay home and play with my barbies!". Who knows, she probably would have been just as happy to do that too!

Moving on. Here are my Friday Feels:

Hearing: Mr M introduced me to Chet Faker last weekend. How have I not heard of him before!? This cover of No Diggity (a song that was one of the many soundtracks to my life in the 90's), is freaking awesome.



Seeing: It was a week of TV lasts and firsts in our household... I watched the last episodes of the current seasons of The Walking Dead, and the Vikings - not sure how I'm going to manage until the next season of both! I also finally managed to watch the first episode of the new season of Offspring. It's good to have Nina back on my screen, even though I cried almost the whole way through. Just as well I stocked up on tissues!! :)

Tasting: I tried a DELICIOUS slow cooker recipe on Tuesday, it was chicken wrapped in bacon cooked with grated apple and bbq sauce. We ate it with couscous and veggies. I will find that recipe and share it with you all, because it was divine!

Smelling: I took Mac to an open day at our local primary school on Tuesday. We were sat in a kindergarten room to talk to the Principal, and the smell and sights just flooded my brain with memories I had forgotten I even had!! As much as I am dreading him start school, I'm sort of looking forward to it too... I'm excited for him. I loved school and I have a feeling Mac will too.

Touching: A couple of weekends ago, I bought some new woolen jumpers - the first winter wardrobe items I have bought in about 5 years! There is one jumper in particular, a grey one, that is so soft and warm and cozy... But we've been having the most amazing weather this last week that I haven't had a chance to wear it yet!! Not that I'm complaining - I'm LOVING this autumnal weather!

So there you have it, my Friday Feels.

Let me know what you've been feeling this week, or tell me (if it won't get you into any trouble!) what's the worst thing you've done?

Friday Feels - 16 May

Welcome to the second installment on Friday Feeeeeeels (whenever I say it, I can't stop picturing it like that in my mind)

It's been a naff week for me, we are trying to get Mac to sleep in his own bed for the whole night, and the interrupted sleeps that have come from putting him back to be three or four times a night have really taken their toll.... I feel like a walking zombie.

I'm hoping to score a couple of naps this weekend to recover, keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

So here we go for my feels:

Hearing: Spotify is seriously the best. thing. everrrrr! At this exact moment in time, I am listening to the Take That Greatest Hits - and no, I am not ashamed to admit that  :)

Seeing: Or rather a lack of seeing - I completely forgot to record the first episode of Offspring the other night, and have been in an enforced interwebs embargo so that I don't accidentally read anything that might give the episode away!

Tasting: Take away pizza! Well, more the walk I took to pick it up. There is a pizza place literally around the corner from us. We don't normally frequent it, but last night we decided to give it a go. The bonus being that I got to walk through my neighbourhood. There was something almost magical about being the only person out walking in the moonlight whilst everyone was inside their houses or cars. I think I might start making it a regular thing... not the pizza, the evening walk!

Smelling: Whilst Mac was at his swimming lesson, there was a lady sat near me with a perfume that transported me to another time and place. I couldn't (still can't!) quite place the where and when, but I think it was late teens - so it was maybe a perfume a friend used to wear? Whatever it was it led me down a nostalgic path that I think I am still on... I'm quite enjoying it :)

Touching: Our cat's super soft winter fur is coming through. He is looking a bit fatter, and oh so cozy!! He's also been snuggling up to us on the sofa at night - which is awesome until he gets that crazy psycho look in his eye....

Has anything evoked nostalgic memories for you this week? I'd love to hear about it!