A post where I completely contradict myself

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I've been feeling old these last few weeks... most likely because my birthday is just around the corner, and that usually triggers a bit of a funk.

Add to that the little voice inside my head that says OH NO YOU'RE NOT, everytime I laugh and tell people "I'm 29 again!"

It doesn't help that Husband always (ALWAYS) backs up this voice, AND then tells everyone exactly how old I am. Obviously he still needs some work.

It's not that I miss being young - although if I could be 27 again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
And if I could be 20 again, knowing what I know now....? Yeah, I'd probably give it a crack too; maybe being armed with some knowledge would give me a bit more self-confidence. Probably not J

I miss the freedom of youth; the spontaneity of dinners out, trips overseas, hangovers, sleep-ins and excess energy.

Hmmmm maybe I'm confusing youth with motherhood??
Maybe I am just missing the "me" that I was before I had a baby?
 
You know the most ridiculous part of this post? I don't want everything that comes with youth.

I love my life. I love being married, and I love being a mum   J

I don't want to be out clubbing until dawn, stumbling down the street in shoes I can't walk in unable to hear what my friend is saying because the music was so loud and my hearing is shot.
(Although I am very partial to a bit of a boogie, as long as I'm home by midnight  J)

I don't want to wake up at 3 in the afternoon, hungover as all hell, wasting what's left of the day.
(But a sleep in til 7.30am would be divine!)

I just want to the energy, and to live with the freedom of choice once, maybe twice a month. To go out with Husband to see our friends and not have to worry about who is going to do the morning shift with the Little Monster.

I don't want to be young, but do I want to be more youthful.

And thankfully, that is something I can change!

Do you miss being young or youthful? Is there any age you would do over again or avoid at all cost?

How time flies when you're looking a photos

It's been a while since I was here - sorry 'bout that.

No excuses. Well actually a few excuses, mostly work is really ramping up for me at the moment, so I can't blog at work (can you believe the unfairness of it all!), and I hate being on the computer when I get home from work.

So I thought I would make the most of the time whilst the Little Monster was down for his nap, and come write a witty and insightful post on my long weekend.

But I kept looking at the blank screen.

No words were coming, so I thought I'd hit Facebook up for some "inspiraton". And then I got caught up with Facebook, and seeing what my friends are up to.

Then I realised that I haven't added any photos of the Little Monster since APRIL.... that's awful!! Considering how fast toddlers change, it has been FIVE MONTHS since I showed my friends any new pictures of my son. How slack!

So after downloading/filing all the photos appropriately, I have spent the last 40-minutes reliving the Little Monster's April to September in photos.

He is gorgeous and I love him.

I can hear the Little Monster stirring now, so I won't get the photos up today - but they're ready to go next time I find a spare 45-minutes at home.

I hope you all had a lovely weekend... and a fantastic long weekend if you were in NSW!

Regrets? I've had a few

*~*~* Sorry for the lack of images - I couldn't find anything that felt like it matched the words *~*~*

The other day I was talking to my mum about regrets, and how I have only one regret.

Of course there are all those "morning after" regrets; the extra shot I should never have asked for, the boy I did or didn't kiss, the one night stand that became a relationship* ...

Not to mention the shopping regrets; the jeans that I never lost weight for, that dress that was a little on the "slutty" side, the $250 shoes I only wore once...

But in the grand scheme of things, these are all very minor. And not really regrets, more living life, making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.

My one regret is that I didn't study French after my GCSE's.

Rightly or wrongly, I blame this on my teacher at the time. She used the double whammy approach of teaching with sarcasm and reverse psychology... which some people can cope with, they take on a "I'll show you" attitude and get great results.

But not me - if you tell me often enough that I'm too stupid, I'll believe you.

So all the "You'll never pass your exams" and "Don't even bother trying to do A-level French, you'll never be able to do it" comments, they hit home.
Every. Single. Time.

But I passed my exams. What's more I got an A+, thank you very much.

So I guess I did show her.

Yet I just couldn't find the belief in myself that I could be sucessful at a higher level. I had spent two years listening to this woman tell the class (me) that we were idiots and didn't have the aptitude for languages.

So despite the fact that she was obviously so very wrong, and I absolutely had the brain for languages, I pushed French to the side and tried my hand at something else - something that I well and truly failed in.
Hey, why fail at all unless you are going to do it in spectacular style?!

After talking to my Mum about this regret, she turned and looked at me and said, "Do you realise just how lucky you are?"

Ummmm, apparently not Mum.... in what way?

"You have the ability and opportunity to change that - it no longer has to be a regret for you. So many people have such big regrets that they can never change..."

I sat still for a moment to let that sink in... It didn't take long for the enormity of her words to hit me.

Not only can I fix my regret and study French again, but I have been lucky enough to have (so far!) lived my life making big decisions that I have been happy with.

And for an indesicive and procrastinating person with low self-belief.... I think that's pretty damn awesome.

Do you have any regrets? Do you have the ability to change them?

* to be fair, I didn't actually regret that one, at the time or even now. It just sounded good when I wrote it...

Heartache

Shortly after pressing "publish" on my last post, I was given some devastating news; a very dear friend of mine had given birth to a stillborn.

At the same time as I was bemoaning the (very insignificant) fact that I was struggling to find balance in my life, my friend was struggling to understand the very heartbreaking situation that she suddenly found herself in.

So I'm taking it all back.

I am so blessed. My life is as balanced as it needs to be.

I came home from work this afternoon and held my son close. I wept at the unfairness of life.

I sobbed at the sadness of a life lost; a baby, a life that hadn't even officially begun.

I cried for all the firsts that won't be experienced, for the hopes and dreams that have been so cruelly crushed.

My heart and soul aches for my beautiful friend and her husband.
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that they are feeling.

Whatever you believe in; if is the Universe, angels or prayers... Please send light, love and strength to two wonderful people whose world has been tragically turned upside down today.

Thank you
xxxxxxxxx

A balancing act

I have been struggling recently. Struggling to find balance in my life

I suppose I am looking for nirvana - that balance of being a worker, a mother, a housewife, and ME. And right at this moment in time, I feel like I am failing at all of them.

In my nirvana, I would be a stay-at-home-mum, with the Little Monster in daycare just two days a week to learn and practice his social skills, whilst I do housewifey things and even manage to get a pamper session in!

In my "slightly-more-realistic-but-still-nearly-ideal" world, I would be working three short days a week. On the two other days, I would have one day to myself to do housework or maybe even go to the movies on my own (bliss!), and the other day would be spent with playing the Little Monster, or meeting up with my Mum's group friends in a park somewhere and letting our kids run wild...

Here's my current reality:

Work:
I'm not putting the maximum effort in at work. I know this, I can feel it. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that my focus is all off.
Because my attitude it all wrong at the moment, I am having to stay back late to get things finished. Which means that I miss out on time with the Little Monster.

Mothering:
I feel like I don't spend nearly enough time with the Little Monster during the week. I try to get home in time for dinner, but more often than not I am home just in time for bath-time and a little play before bed. Hardly what you would call quality time.

I do have two full days on the weekend with him, where we pack in a lot of mother/son bonding time. We wander around the shops and have a babycino, or go to a park. We have lots of giggles and lots of cuddles.

But I still feel like I am missing out on so much.

I am so thankful for our wonderful Family Daycare Lady. She loves the Little Monster almost as much as we do, and he loves her right back. She is awesome at telling us about the little things he gets up to, or the new skills he has learnt.

The fact that he is happy at daycare means the world to me, and lifts a small part of the guilt I feel leaving him there four days a week.

I am also very thankful for my Mum, who has the Little Monster one day a week. And for my Father-in-Law, who has him on the days when Mum can't - I love that he is building a close relationship with his grandparents!

Houswife:
For some unknown reason, I have it in my head that I should be able to be the perfect housewife/mother package as well as hold down a full-time job.

I don't know where the idea came from, but it's firmly in there.

And it's such bullshit, because I was was hardly the picture perfect housewife before we became parents - although I was much better than I am now!

I have signed up to a blog to help me get things under control, (thank you The Organised Housewife!) and I am slowly (ever so slowly!) but surely regaining control over my complete lack of interest in housework.

ME:
This is my biggest fail of all.

I can't remember the last time I did anything for ME (Husband's erratic work hours don't help with this). The most I do for ME, is exercising 2 or 3 times a week.

Sometimes I feel like the Universe is against me on this; nearly every single time I have told Husband about something I want to do for ME and we've set aside the time, he gets a phone call or an email offering work.
And because Husband is just making a firm start in a new career (not to mention the fact that we need the cash!) I don't feel like I can say "stuff the work, I told you about my ME plans first!"

I feel like I am juggling so much at the moment, and something has to give.

What am I saying, something already has - the time I allocate to ME

The first step, I guess, is to take a step back and reassess my priorities - maybe I'm being to hard on myself. I am usually harder on myself than others, so it is quite possible that all of this is a manifestation of my guilt, causing it to seem so much bigger than it is.

Maybe once I have done that, finding the balance will seem more achieveable - and I might get a snippet of ME time!

How do you balance your life? What are you strategies when things feel out of whack? Do you get regular "ME time"?

  

{image from here and here}