Gratitude project - 22nd to 27th February

Sorry for the five days of silence - I was spending some wonderful time with my brother and his drop dead gorgeous family! And then I was back at work, trying to catch up before I have the next two weeks off to properly spend time with my bro...

I've been a bit narky the last few days. I'm not sure why, maybe it's a little "relapse"?? All I know is that poor Mr M and the kids can seem to do nothing right at the moment, and it makes me feel worse because I know that what I am perceiving as their "bad" behavior is all in my head.
I feel like I am so angry at everything and everyone on the inside, whilst at the same time having arguments with myself to clarify what it is that I can really be angry with and what it is that my brain is making up.

Meanwhile, on the outside I am trying desperately to make everyone think that I'm all ok. GAAAHHHH! It's freaking exhausting!

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I have five days of gratitude to catch up on. Rather than list 15 things (three for each day), I am just going to do a short blanket list to cover what I have been grateful for. Let's face it, for most of that time I was with my brother, and I am so immensely grateful for that time with him that it probably counts for at least ten of the items I am grateful for :)

So, things I am thankful for:

1. My brother. Two and a half years (almost) since I last saw him... As small as the world can seem with the magic of the internet and Skype and Facetime, nothing, not a single damn things, is as wonderful as the physical person in front of you. Being able to see the subtle body language during a conversation, to see the laughter lines around eyes, to just cuddle him because I can.
I tell you what, someone was really looking out for me when they were dishing out brothers. I got the best one.

2. My nephews. Oh. Emm. Gee. Cutest kids ever! So clever and gorgeous, and cuddly and funny. Watching my two boys playing with their cousins was a sight that filled my heart with joy. I cannot wait for two weeks of watching them :)

3. Two days away from work. Well I think you can all understand why I'd be grateful for that! (apart from prattling on again about hanging with my bro!)

4. Mr M. He's been home poorly for the last two days with a nasty cough (it makes working on a TV set very difficult!). And he hasn't done a thing around the house; which has contributed to my feelings of anger, no doubt. But he has been very good about giving me space in the evenings. He's not hassling me, he's just loving me from a distance whilst I scowl my way through the evening. And then he holds me tight in bed without saying a word.

5. Running in the rain. Normally I avoid running if it's already raining before I leave. But today, I did it. And I got soaked! But I was running with a bestie, and we were having a wonderful child free catch up whilst exercising - it was brilliant! :)

I think that'll do for now. You guys get the gist - I'm so happy to see my bro, that everything else I am thankful for is a bonus :)

What have you been up to these last few days? What has jumped out at you as something to be truly grateful for?

Gratitude project - 21st February

Running close to empty tonight, after a household of bad sleeps last night. But that's ok, because tomorrow is the day I get to see my bro and start spending some quality time with him! YAY!!

Things I'm grateful for today:

1. A gym at work. I swam with my gym buddy today, and it suddenly occurred to me just how wonderful it is to have a gym at work. I'm getting four to five 30-minute sessions in every week. Not quite enough to loose those last few kilos, but enough to stop putting in any more weight!!

2. Ticking things off my to do list. If procrastinating was an Olympic sport (winter or summer!), I'd be a hold medalist for sure! Ticking off three big tasks today felt like the awesome achievement it was. I'm proud of myself

3. Playtime with Mr. Nearly-2. We had 20-minutes playing on the bed, just the two of us. He was chatting away to me and generally being the most adorable thing you've ever seen. I tried to capture some of it on video, but of course he was more interested in the phone than talking.  My favorite part? Being asked to "kickle" him :)

What are you looking forward to this weekend? Are you winging it, or do you have something planned?

Gratitude Project - 20th February

It's horrible knowing that my brother and his family are finally here, and yet not being able to see them until the weekend! It's only two more days... I can make it ;)

Today I am grateful for:

1. Not taking my phone to Mr.4's swimming lesson. Being full 100% present was such a gift today. I saw all the smiles and little glances and didn't miss a single moment of him being awesome in the water.

Now to learn to be phone free more often!

2. Being offered a writing opportunity. It's nothing big, just a little snippet in a friends blog - but it is the first time I've ever been asked! Equally terrified and excited! :)

And I'll let you know if/when it's posted!

3. Shopping kid free! I just had to pop into the supermarket for a couple if things, and that was the bliss; I popped in! No car seats to be buckled in and out of. No fighting over who sat in the trolly seat. No "Mummy, can I have...".

I even managed to have a flick through some if the trashy magazines in my own sweet time. Heavenly.

How do you manage balancing life and smartphones? Or are you like me, with more of a smartphone addiction than you would like to admit?

Gratitude Project - 18th and 19th February

I write these little snippets of my day on my mobile in bed every night. Somehow baring some of my soul on the screen on a phone is less daunting that when sat at the computer - who knows the logic behind that!

Of course, this can mean that I miss a night or two because I just can't keep my eyes open a moment longer. As was the case last night. 

Today, my brother and his family flew in from the UK. We've not physically seen each other in just over two years - thank goodness for facetime, otherwise I would have forgotten what he looks like!

I surprised him by joining my mum and step-dad at the airport to meet him. I was 45-minutes late for work, but it was absolutely worth it!!

I love airports; the smell of excitement as people are getting ready to go on adventures (or is that just the jet fuel!?); the smiles on peoples faces when they see loved ones arrive; the sadness when the part ways at the departure gate... I find it such a melting pot of emotions that are infectious.

Today, whilst waiting for my bro and his family, Mum and I saw two girls scream at each other from opposite sides of the arrival gate and run towards each other (still squealing in joy) with huge grins on their faces. And then the dissolved into tears as they hugged, and looked each other over and laughed, and talked a mile a minute. Their joy was palpable, and nearly everyone in the area stopped to watch the reunion.

Mum and I couldn't help but cry along with them; they were just so happy to see each other, and that unbridled love and joy..., well like I said it's infectious.

Anyhoo. I've international visitors are here for a good three weeks, and I'm taking some time off work to hang out with them as much as possible - I can't wait!!! :)

If you've made it this far (and well done if you have, it is a bit of an essay!), here are the things I've been grateful for yesterday and today:

1. My work bestie - she can always make me laugh when I need it the most... And just because!

2. Lunch date with my step-dad. We eat junk food and talk about everything; whether it's attempting to solving each other's problems or world peace, we cover most subjects.

He's another person who's good for my soul.

3. That first moment when the boys see me at daycare when I pick them up. They both drop everything and run over for a kiss and a cuddle. It makes my heart sing.

4. My brother's safe arrival. It was the first time I've met my youngest nephew, I can't wait to spend more time with him!

5. Hubby, for taking the kids to daycare this morning so I could go to the airport. 

6. An early evening rainbow at the end of a very rainy afternoon:

Who was the last person you met at the airport? Did you cry? :)

Gratitude Project - 17th February

Not much to report today; went to work, did some exercise, came home, made dinner.... Blah blah bah.

Struggled with juggling it all tonight, sometimes I'm in fire... Other times (like tonight) I miss the mark.

Oh well. There's always tomorrow.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Monday is over, and I hope my Mondayitis goes with it!

2. Exercise. I worked hard today, and I love the feeling of strength and motion I get when I exercise!

It's good for my sanity too :)

3.Chillaxing on the sofa with Husband. Watching the new series of Rake, and loving it!

Do you exercise? What's your favourite way to burn some energy?

Gratitude Project - 16th February

Today was wet a miserable, but we had a reprieve! My sister-in-law and her partner took the boys of our hands for most if the day!

Hubby and I had a delicious lunch date (we were reading newspapers at the table, like other non-kid-couples do!!). Then we mooched at home, watching the Winter Olympics and reading our books. 

It. Was. Fantastic!!

Today I am grateful for:

1. My SILs. We needed some time out and they delivered! It was so good to chill with Hubby and not be pulled in so many directions

2. Have I ever told you about my new armchair?? I got some amazing reading time in it today!

3. Hubby decided he wanted a beer with dinner, so he went to the bottle shop. He came home with a cider for me AND a cheesecake!! This man knows the way to my heart :)

What's the weather like where you are? There seem to be some crazy extremes at the moment!

Gratitude Project 15th February

A wet and grey day today, but still felt mostly happy today. Didn't let my mood reflect the clouds.

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Indoor playcentres!! I was able to spend 3&1/2 hours in one this morning - great value for money, I think! :)  It meant that the Boys could go crazy and run around without me getting cranky. And it also gave Hubby time to have a kip after being awake at 3.30am for work. I'm a good wife like that :)

2. The last chocolate croissant at the bakery. A special afternoon tea treat that was so delicious! I'm pretty sure it is the best food invention ever

3. Romancing the Stone. Husband has another early start tomorrow, so he was in bed at 8.15. That meant I was able to watch most of this great movie with a glass of wine... Or two!

What's a special afternoon tea treat for you?

Gratitude Project - 14 February

Valentines Day. It signifes a whole 12-months since I took my Husband's name (as a V.Day surprise for him).

I have been the new me for a year.

Except, of course, I have been the same me the all along.

I didn't want to change my name, in fact Hubby has resigned himself to the fact that I never would... Boy did I show him! ;)

And don't tell anyone, but secretly I quite like being Mrs M. It makes me feel grown up! :)

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Finishing my Firsr Aid course today. It was only a two day course, but they packed a lot in! I'm pleased to report that I passed with flying colours... But I'm in no rush to practise it; so everyone has to stay safe!!

2. My brother and his family have started their long journey from the UK to Australia. Only 5 more days until they arrive and I get to meet my second nephew for the first time!!!

3. New pillows! We finally replaced our old pillows after something ridiculous like six years! Such softness for my head, it's delightful!

How has your week been? Do you have something you're looking forward to?

Gratitude Project - 13th February

Last night I dreamt that Neil Patrick Harris took me out on a date. Not on a date date (I obviously have the wrong equipment for his tastes!), but just he took me out for some fun. 

We went to a play, and then he took me to some roof top bar on a sky scraper, where I sat in an awesome black leather recliner with my cocktail in hand (ahhh, the magic of dreams!).

Then just as I was wondering where NPH had got to, he appeared next to me and smiled. He had affixed little diamonds to his eye teeth so that when he smiled, his teeth sparkled; like the pretend sparkle they sometimes put on a tv show. 

He started to perform a Broadway number, and I was laughing in that really joyful way that you do when someone cares about you, and they surprise you with something so unexpected and delightful that your only response is to laugh.

Then my youngest woke me up. I have no idea what show tune it was. But I woke up smiling, on my face and in my heart. 

The dream stayed with me all day. It was like NPH (my brain???) was trying to show me that even though I feel low, I can still find joy; I can still have fun; I can still laugh in a way that does wonders for my soul...

I don't really understand why it would be him in my dream. I've not seen NPH on TV for months. I recently started following him on Instagram and he showed up in my feed a few days ago... Maybe that's where it came from? 

However/why-ever it happened that way, I feel like I want to email NPH and let him know that in some small, random and ever-so-slightly surreal way,he has worked a little bit of magic into my day. And reminded me of the unlimited joy that can happen if I just let it.

Ok, back to the gratitudes (although it should be stated, I am so hugely grateful for that dream!!). 

Today I am grateful for:

1. I am doing a First Aid course today and tomorrow, and today we looked at resuscitation and choking. And we learnt about what to do with kids. I am so grateful that I am relearning these things (my last course was three years ago), I hope to goodness I never have to use it on my boys, or any child for that matter!, but at least I have the knowledge.

2. Lunch with two of my colleagues. Both of whom make me laugh! They are awesome ladies who really brighten up my days.

3. Clean sheets on the bed. Need I say more?!

Have you ever had a dream that changed your mood/outlook?

Gratitude Project - 12th February

A very non-eventful day - yay! 

Had a chat with Mum who has been thinking about ways to combat my funk. 

One of her suggestions was to give up FaceBook... The fact that even thinking about it makes me a bit anxious is proof to me that I may have a problem. Not that that's unusual these days! We'll see, I've already reduced my time on there (I've reclaimed my weekends!) so maybe it won't be as hard as I think...

Things I'm grateful for today:

1. My Mum. For taking the time out to think of ways that I can proactively get myself back to a happy place

2. 30 solid minutes of me time after work; I was able to catch up on some overdue magazine reading!

3. Right now, as I write this, my Husband is softly snoring next to me (he'd probably just call it breathing!)... His arm is wrapped around my waist. I feel so loved and protected like this. I feel safe.

What have you done for yourself today?

Gratitude Project - 11th February

On my way home from work, there was an accident in a two lane tunnel that I usually drive through. One of the lanes was closed. 

I was going to continue on as per usual, but then I was passed by an ambulance and a police car in quick succession. I decided that I didn't want to drive past an accident that required an ambulance, so I turned off the motorway.

Shortly after I turned off, I was passed by two more ambulances and two more police cars. Then I heard on the radio that it was an accident with a semi trailer and a mini bus, and six people had been injured. I was so relieved that I had chosen to turn off. Driving past such an accident would have been awful.

I haven't watched or read any news since I got home, so I don't know how serious the injuries were. I hope everyone involved was ok. 

But hearing about the accident made me think about my gratitudes for today:

1. A bit obvious, but I am grateful that I had a safe journey home from work.

2. I am grateful that I got to hold my boys tight and run around a playground with them this evening. I hope that the six injured people were able to hold their loved ones tonight.

3. Every evening, but more so tonight, I am grateful that my Husband came home safe.

Life is fleeting. In an instant, things can change drastically.

Hold your loved ones tight.

Be kind and gentle to others.

Above all, be safe.

Gratitude Project - 10th Feb

"Another day, another dollar", that's the saying... Today I felt like that but with a more negative tone. I love the people I work with (mostly), but my job isn't captivating. I've been given the opportunity to expand my roll - almost however I want - so I know that will change. I just have to power through the dullness until I make this job perfect for me!

Things I am grateful for today:

1. Exercise. As much as I complain about having to exercise, I love the feel of my body in motion; the strength of my muscles as I lift a weight; the relief when it's all over ;)

I have a goal in mind, and I hope to reach it by the end if June :)

2. My job. Despite my current lack of passion for my work, I am thankful that I have a good job with an awesome boss and a family friendly attitude. Especially on a day when it was announced that 2000-2500 will lose their jobs when Toyota stops manufacturing in 2017. 

Note to self: quit your bitching, at least you have a job!!

3. My delightful pink armchair! 

I *finally* got to sit in it for more than five minutes tonight. Such comfy bliss. Can't wait to do a test run with a cuppa and a book!

How was your Monday?

What are you grateful for today?

Gratitude Project - 9th February

So I've had a couple if nights off - not going to lie, I was a bit tipsy both nights and gratitude journaling wasn't high on my list of things to do!

So I'm going to cram it all into the one post; nine things I've been grateful for this weekend:

1. A double whammy tickle fest on Friday morning. Getting both my boys into hysterics at the same time was possibly more fun for me than it was for them... But it's a tight call :)

2. A Friday lunchtime run. With one thing and another this week, my run was only the second decent bit of exercise I did all week. It was hard, but felt awesome :)

3. Home delivery - no cooking and no washing up... A perfect Friday evening in my mind!!

4. A sleep in til 7.10am. Thank goodness for husbands who wake up early all the time!

5. A trip around IKEA with my Boys. Crazy? Possibly. A ton of fun? Surprisingly yes! I had the most beautifully behaved boys in the store (I think all the delighted smiles of the other customers was proof). We laughed and measured our way around the store... And I walked out with a fabulous pink armchair! Double win!!

6. Wonderful friends. We had dinner with our close friends Saturday night. It was so good to see them, to have entertaining adult conversation and to watch the kids all play together. There may or may not have been a couple if glasses of champagne and a delicious tequila cocktail consumed... But I think the bbq'd pineapple pieces dipped in chocolate were my highlight of the evening!

7. Colour Run!! Today I met with two of my Mums Group friends and we had a ball doing the Colour Run. I came home covered head to toe in coloured powder, and with a huge grin on my face. Spending time with my friends is something I really want to focus on this year. Connecting with these people is doing my heart (and head!) the world of good

8. Playing in the back yard with my Boys. Their laughter is delightful and infectious. And watching them run around and playing with each other makes my heart sing. These kids are utterly breathtakingly beautiful.

9. Dinner. BBQ steak with mashed potatoes and a bacon and kale salad.

Oh em gee. It. Was. Divine!!

Sometimes, I truly amaze myself in the kitchen ;)

How was your weekend? What was a highlight for you?

Gratitude Project - 6th February

A very non-descript day. Which was good.

Feeling a little lighter - I'm guessing that actually telling a couple of people what's going on in my mind has helped.

I think restarting my little ritual of finding things to be grateful for has helped too; already I'm viewing my day differently, wondering what I will be writing about. 

Today I am grateful for:

1. Swimming lessons. It means a slightly less rushed and hectic morning. Always a good thing!

2. My frangipani trees. Those little white and yellow flowers always lift my spirits. 

3. My 30 minute quiet time at home before I pick my boys up from daycare. I started this routine about three weeks ago, and it's already making a huge impact.

What has made you feel grateful today?

Gratitude Project - 5th February

It started off as a good day and then I got a call that my Mum wasn't feeling well. Thankfully she works about a two minute walk from me, and there's a medical centre on site. It was just a dizzy spell (thank goodness!) but the doctor ordered tests just to make sure everything was ok. 

We spent three hours hanging out at the medical centre waiting for tests and sitting through tests. The whole time Mum kept checking in to make sure I didn't need to be back in the office. In the end I said, "Pretend like we had all won the lotto and work wasn't an issue. Would you want me here with you? Or would you want me to go away."

After a moments pause she quietly said, "Stay."

It was nice to be able to help my Mum for once - she's done it enough for me recently!! And she told me that having me there was a great anxiety relief for her.

I totally rocked at being a daughter today!

In other news, I told Mr. M about my current state of mind. He's going to help in whatever way he can. I'm so lucky to have him. 

So my gratitudes for today - they're all people

1. My Mum. Even though it was nothing serious, today was the first time I've ever really seen my Mum as mortal. I don't take her for granted, but you'd better believe I'm going to be making the most if all our moments together!!

2. My Husband. He listened, he acknowledged. He delved into the issue without just "pooh-poohing" my thoughts or feelings away. It felt good to tell him. 

3. My amazingly talented and delightful work bestie. She's an inspiration (she got me back into writing on here! I'll explain how in another post), she a hoot, she's supportive and she's my soul twin for sure :)

How was your Wednesday?

What are you grateful for today?

Gratitude Project - 4th February

A reasonable day today - even the small step of (finally!) putting some of my thoughts into words has helped to clear a space of my brain for happier things. Hoping the improvement continues!

Today I am grateful for:

1. Lunch out. It was so wonderful to see my lovely friend. She's on maternity leave at the moment, and I miss seeing her smiling face around the office.

2. Bedtime cuddles (the rated PG kind!) with Hubby. I needed that moment of connection with him; just a physical affirmation that we're ok. It worked :)

3. Leftovers! (Yay for not having to cook!)

What are you grateful for today?

Just to fill you in...

Wooooah. Life has been a bit naff these last few months.

No, not true. Life has been very blessed these last few months; full of happy chaos and laughter.

I am the one who has been a bit naff.

About three months ago, I suddenly realised that I was hovering on the brink of depression, again.

The signs were all there: a general lack of interest in my appearance, lethargy, procrastination (although that is pretty much a permanent character flaw!), overly focussing on things outside of my control, road rage (basically shouting at those people who should never have been granted a drivers license - you know the ones I'm talking about), weeping at ads on TV...

And with the advantage of hindsight, I could see that I had been there for a while, at least two or three months before I noticed anything. 

About two months ago, I thought I was getting better. I thought I was keeping my head above the water... but really I was just doing an amazingly awesome job of fooling myself.

So now I'm in self repair mode. 

Whilst I’m not out of the woods yet – not by a long shot! – I am using the skills that I have learnt from previous counselling sessions to fight my way back to being my usual joyful self. 

Challenging unhelpful thoughts as they arise, trying to see the positives in daily life. Not always easy when my mind seems drawn to anger and the more maudlin side of things...

Anyway. Just wanted to touch base, see who's out there and let you know what was going in my world. It's not a great barrel of laughs at the moment, but I'm sure (I hope!) it's on the improve.

Watch this space! :)

What's been happening with you?

Gratitudes

At the end of a long and crappy day, here I am laying in bed feeling irrationally angry and unable to sleep. 

What better time than now to restart my gratitude project, to remind me of the things that are good in my life and all I should be grateful for. 

So today, on 3rd February 2014 I am grateful for:

1. My Mum. Had it been necessary, she would have driven me home from work today. I'm so thankful she works so close to me... And is such an amazing and loving lady. 

2. Online food shopping. Anything that means I don't have to walk the aisles with two rambunctious boys is something to be eternally grateful for in my mind!

3. Tea. The elixir of life; especially at the tail end of a migraine, and served with a chocolate and banana weetbix muffin!

What are you grateful for? Feel free to share and spread the gratitude :)