Regrets? I've had a few

*~*~* Sorry for the lack of images - I couldn't find anything that felt like it matched the words *~*~*

The other day I was talking to my mum about regrets, and how I have only one regret.

Of course there are all those "morning after" regrets; the extra shot I should never have asked for, the boy I did or didn't kiss, the one night stand that became a relationship* ...

Not to mention the shopping regrets; the jeans that I never lost weight for, that dress that was a little on the "slutty" side, the $250 shoes I only wore once...

But in the grand scheme of things, these are all very minor. And not really regrets, more living life, making mistakes and hopefully learning from them.

My one regret is that I didn't study French after my GCSE's.

Rightly or wrongly, I blame this on my teacher at the time. She used the double whammy approach of teaching with sarcasm and reverse psychology... which some people can cope with, they take on a "I'll show you" attitude and get great results.

But not me - if you tell me often enough that I'm too stupid, I'll believe you.

So all the "You'll never pass your exams" and "Don't even bother trying to do A-level French, you'll never be able to do it" comments, they hit home.
Every. Single. Time.

But I passed my exams. What's more I got an A+, thank you very much.

So I guess I did show her.

Yet I just couldn't find the belief in myself that I could be sucessful at a higher level. I had spent two years listening to this woman tell the class (me) that we were idiots and didn't have the aptitude for languages.

So despite the fact that she was obviously so very wrong, and I absolutely had the brain for languages, I pushed French to the side and tried my hand at something else - something that I well and truly failed in.
Hey, why fail at all unless you are going to do it in spectacular style?!

After talking to my Mum about this regret, she turned and looked at me and said, "Do you realise just how lucky you are?"

Ummmm, apparently not Mum.... in what way?

"You have the ability and opportunity to change that - it no longer has to be a regret for you. So many people have such big regrets that they can never change..."

I sat still for a moment to let that sink in... It didn't take long for the enormity of her words to hit me.

Not only can I fix my regret and study French again, but I have been lucky enough to have (so far!) lived my life making big decisions that I have been happy with.

And for an indesicive and procrastinating person with low self-belief.... I think that's pretty damn awesome.

Do you have any regrets? Do you have the ability to change them?

* to be fair, I didn't actually regret that one, at the time or even now. It just sounded good when I wrote it...

Heartache

Shortly after pressing "publish" on my last post, I was given some devastating news; a very dear friend of mine had given birth to a stillborn.

At the same time as I was bemoaning the (very insignificant) fact that I was struggling to find balance in my life, my friend was struggling to understand the very heartbreaking situation that she suddenly found herself in.

So I'm taking it all back.

I am so blessed. My life is as balanced as it needs to be.

I came home from work this afternoon and held my son close. I wept at the unfairness of life.

I sobbed at the sadness of a life lost; a baby, a life that hadn't even officially begun.

I cried for all the firsts that won't be experienced, for the hopes and dreams that have been so cruelly crushed.

My heart and soul aches for my beautiful friend and her husband.
I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that they are feeling.

Whatever you believe in; if is the Universe, angels or prayers... Please send light, love and strength to two wonderful people whose world has been tragically turned upside down today.

Thank you
xxxxxxxxx

A balancing act

I have been struggling recently. Struggling to find balance in my life

I suppose I am looking for nirvana - that balance of being a worker, a mother, a housewife, and ME. And right at this moment in time, I feel like I am failing at all of them.

In my nirvana, I would be a stay-at-home-mum, with the Little Monster in daycare just two days a week to learn and practice his social skills, whilst I do housewifey things and even manage to get a pamper session in!

In my "slightly-more-realistic-but-still-nearly-ideal" world, I would be working three short days a week. On the two other days, I would have one day to myself to do housework or maybe even go to the movies on my own (bliss!), and the other day would be spent with playing the Little Monster, or meeting up with my Mum's group friends in a park somewhere and letting our kids run wild...

Here's my current reality:

Work:
I'm not putting the maximum effort in at work. I know this, I can feel it. It's not that I don't like my job, it's just that my focus is all off.
Because my attitude it all wrong at the moment, I am having to stay back late to get things finished. Which means that I miss out on time with the Little Monster.

Mothering:
I feel like I don't spend nearly enough time with the Little Monster during the week. I try to get home in time for dinner, but more often than not I am home just in time for bath-time and a little play before bed. Hardly what you would call quality time.

I do have two full days on the weekend with him, where we pack in a lot of mother/son bonding time. We wander around the shops and have a babycino, or go to a park. We have lots of giggles and lots of cuddles.

But I still feel like I am missing out on so much.

I am so thankful for our wonderful Family Daycare Lady. She loves the Little Monster almost as much as we do, and he loves her right back. She is awesome at telling us about the little things he gets up to, or the new skills he has learnt.

The fact that he is happy at daycare means the world to me, and lifts a small part of the guilt I feel leaving him there four days a week.

I am also very thankful for my Mum, who has the Little Monster one day a week. And for my Father-in-Law, who has him on the days when Mum can't - I love that he is building a close relationship with his grandparents!

Houswife:
For some unknown reason, I have it in my head that I should be able to be the perfect housewife/mother package as well as hold down a full-time job.

I don't know where the idea came from, but it's firmly in there.

And it's such bullshit, because I was was hardly the picture perfect housewife before we became parents - although I was much better than I am now!

I have signed up to a blog to help me get things under control, (thank you The Organised Housewife!) and I am slowly (ever so slowly!) but surely regaining control over my complete lack of interest in housework.

ME:
This is my biggest fail of all.

I can't remember the last time I did anything for ME (Husband's erratic work hours don't help with this). The most I do for ME, is exercising 2 or 3 times a week.

Sometimes I feel like the Universe is against me on this; nearly every single time I have told Husband about something I want to do for ME and we've set aside the time, he gets a phone call or an email offering work.
And because Husband is just making a firm start in a new career (not to mention the fact that we need the cash!) I don't feel like I can say "stuff the work, I told you about my ME plans first!"

I feel like I am juggling so much at the moment, and something has to give.

What am I saying, something already has - the time I allocate to ME

The first step, I guess, is to take a step back and reassess my priorities - maybe I'm being to hard on myself. I am usually harder on myself than others, so it is quite possible that all of this is a manifestation of my guilt, causing it to seem so much bigger than it is.

Maybe once I have done that, finding the balance will seem more achieveable - and I might get a snippet of ME time!

How do you balance your life? What are you strategies when things feel out of whack? Do you get regular "ME time"?

  

{image from here and here}

R U OK?

Today, in Australia, is it "R U OK? Day"

R U OK? is an organisation whose main aim is suicide prevention. Today they are encouraging everyone across the country to ask their families, friends and colleagues a very simple question; "Are you OK?"

They have a fantastic page explaining how to start a conversation with someone you are concerned about, and how to support them through the conversation.

They also have a list of numbers if you have serious concerns for someone who might be in crisis.

I have been touched by depression a few times, but only mildly.

Without the concern of my family noticing a change in my behaviour, and asking me if I was OK, I might not be the person I am today.

So, I'm asking - R U OK?

Who will you ask?

 Please, if you are concerned for someone in crisis, or need urgent support yourself, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

  

  

{images from here and here}

Ten years ago...

The New York skyline - before and after

The question used to be, "Where were you when JFK was shot?"

Now it's, "Where were you on 9/11?"

I remember. Exactly. Like it was yesterday.... which is a little strange, because I don't always remember my yesterdays.

I was working in a call centre in the UK. It had been a busy day, when all of a sudden the calls tapered off and then stopped completely.

My colleagues and I looked at each other and wondered if there had been some sort of phone failure.

Then one of the supervisors (the only ones who had internet access on their computers) let out a horrified gasp, "There's been a terrorist attack in New York... I think they've blown up the World Trade Centre!"

We all huddled around her computer trying to read the small font, to see the pictures, to make sense of what was happening.

At 5pm, there was a mass exoudus from the office. I went straight home and turned on the TV. For the next few hours I sat glued to the set, with tears streaming down my face and my heart breaking.

I watched and re-watched the scenes unfold; the planes, the explosions, the smoke, the collapse.

I watched people throw themselves out of the building. I couldn't believe what I was seeing; I couldn't imagine having to make that choice.

I thought about the people in the building, those in the levels above and those in the levels below. I thought about the families of those in the Towers; not knowing where their loved ones were, if they were safe.

I couldn't (still can't!) imagine how those people who were trapped felt. Uncertain, to begin with, of what was going on and then completely aware of what had happened, and what was to come.

Eventually, emotionally exhausted, I turned of the TV and cried myself to sleep.

September 11, 2001 - a day that has been etched into my heart.

The day the world changed forever.

Where were you when you when the World Trade Centre was attacked?

{image from here}

Gratitude

A while ago, I was pretty down in the dumps.

It's not the first time I've been there. But thanks to counselling and a gaining a Certificate III in Holistic Counselling, I know my mental-self pretty well now and I can read the signs that all is not well in "Melissa's Brain"

So I let one of my Besties know that I was not in a good head space, had a vent, and then booked myself in for some counselling

My beautiful friend took on board everything I had said, and because she was about to go on an overseas adventure, she sent me a care package. (Yes, she is that awesome!)

In that care package was a Gratitude book from kikki.K, one of my all-time favourite shops.

It took me a little while to get around to writing in it. But two months ago, I decided to make a start; I decided to start looking at life with a more positive attitude.

Now every night, before I go to sleep, I reflect back on the day and write down three things that I am grateful for.

I am ALWAYS grateful for my Little Monster, and the smile he brings to my heart. The same can also be said for Husband.
(Although they are also both very capable of making me want to pull my hair out!)

Most days I know exactly what I am grateful for, and I can fill up the page within minutes of putting pen to paper.

But it's not always so easy. Sometimes and I get the first two, and then I have to turn to Husband and ask him what he thinks I should be grateful for.

Other times I can sit there for a good 20 minutes before I have written a word.

It is those times where I struggle, that I think I gain the most benefit from the book. Because those are the days where I have to really reflect.

I have to look back at my day, and if nothing big jumps out at me, I have to look back at the smaller things in my day.

Last week I posted about having a pretty lousy day. That night as I lay in bed, book on lap and pen in mouth, I could not think of a single thing to write.

I decided that for that day, I was grateful for:

• Getting a seat on the bus into work
• Eating my lunch in the sunshine
• Having a glass of wine with dinner

Hardly mind blowingly insightful or deep. But momentous in that I was able to find three things to be
grateful for on a very shitty day.

Gratitude is a skill that I am slowly learning, and one that I am pleased to have. Because now I can see the more positive things in my life, and no matter how big or small I know that I will always have something to be grateful for.

How do you find the positives in your day?

{images from here, here and here}

A Father's Day post

I may have mentioned it before (I do tend to repeat myself!) but I am a very lucky lady.

I am blessed to have three men in my life that I can call my Fathers; my Dad, my step-Dad and my Father-in-Law.

My Dad lives overseas and my step-Dad is on a well deserved holiday, so I won't be able to see them on what Husband calls "The Best Day Of The Year".
(I will get to see my Father-in-Law for a hug, thankfully, and I can't wait to see his face when he reads the card I got!)

This Father's Day, as I watch Husband and the Little Monster laugh and cuddle and play together, I want to share my gratitude for these wonderful men; so I am dedicating this post to the father figures in my life.

They have loved me and supported me through all sorts of crises (real and imagined - I'm looking at you 15-year old tormented drama queen self!)

When I have reached a cross roads, they have all held my hand whilst I made a decision. They have offered advice when it has been most needed, and have never tried to force me to make a decision before I was ready.

Between them, they have celebrated all of my triumphs in life; from taking my first step, to passing exams, from ending a relationship and moving half way around the world, to giving birth to my son.

All three of these men love me unconditionally, and all three of these men have helped me become the person I am today.

Without them, my life (I!) would be very different.

So, Happy Father's Day gentlemen. Thank you for all that you have given me and for everything else yet to come!

{image credit}

The perfect end to an otherwise ordinary week

This week at work was not my greatest, but thankfully it is almost over - and I am looking forward to a weekend with Husband and the Little Monster.

Just in case you happen to live under a rock, this Sunday is Father's Day.

It's Husband's second one, and I'm am so excited about getting the the Little Monster to wake up his Daddy with a big kiss and cuddle.... or by his zombie walk (his little voice saying "baaaaiiins, baaaaaiiinnns", coupled with the flailing arm/swaying walk , cracks me up every time!).

We are hoping to get out of the city for a night, or at least for a day!, just to have some good old fashioned family "down time" in the clean country air.

However we spend this weekend, it will be full of love and cuddles and family.

What a lucky girl I am!

{Image credit}

What are you up to this weekend?