Death and grief are two of my all-time least favourite subjects (and I don't think I'm alone in this). I have a tendency to run away from death and grief in the hopes that they will never touch my life; I know, I know, dumb and impossible.
But, Mr M has been utterly devastated by this loss and I am proud to say that even with my aversion, I have fully stepped up to help him through this sad and painful time.
I NEVER confront death. If the thought of it enters my head, my brain scrunches its eyes shut tight, holds its hands up to its ears and sings "LAH LAH LAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU" ever so loudly. But this time, I told my brain to stop. I'm not wallowing in my emotions, but I am sitting with them; welcoming them into my heart, acknowledging them and allowing them the time to be processed appropriately. I respect this man too much to ignore my hubands (and my own!) feelings on the sadness of his passing.
(Huh. It seems that I may have grown up somewhat... well, that and a few years of therapy!)
With this newfound sense of acceptance, I have also broken through my fear of visiting with our friend's wife. I was terrified that I would do something wrong, or say something stupid and thoughtless in my awkward uncomfortableness with the enormity of the situation. But in the face of her all-consuming grief, a grief that I cannot even begin to fathom (thanks to my never entertaining the thought of such a loss), I stared down my fear and reached out to her with an gigantic hug and a heart full of love. And from her reaction, I did good.
Side-note: I'm a great hugger, it's kind of my signature move.
~*~*~*~*~
As usually happens in the aftermath of a tragedy, the truly important things in your life tend to pop out in stark contrast to the mundane and ordinary things; the things that seem to consume all your time and energy but aren't really as important as they pretend to be.
Through the (far too) few times we have spent time together, and stories from Mr M, I know that his friend was funny, insightful, spiritual (though not religious), a very devoted husband and father, generous - he was a giver (of time, energy, and things when required), a super talented cinematographer, a writer, a refugee, a pain in the ass sometimes (aren't we all!), a dream chaser, a lover of animals, open-minded (and even when he was being a judgmental jerk, he was still open to the alternative view), an amazing friend to Mr M (with a fantastically eclectic bunch of friends), and a real go-getter; if he said he was going to do something, he went and did it. No exceptions. And everything that he did, he approached with an open heart ready to accept the adventure ahead.
Because of his friendship with Mr M, and with his passing, this man has become an inspiration to me. His heartbreakingly early death has reminded me that life is waaaaay to short to be fucking around with things that make me feel "meh" or make me unhappy. He was prolific with the work that he created, writing a feature film about his family's life and their ordeal to seek asylum in Australia in the 70s, whilst at the same time working on a documentary about an orchestra from his home country, and filming artistic adverts for international fashion houses.
He was living every single, day doing what he was passionate about and enjoying every moment. Yes there were bad times for him, and unpleasant interactions that impacted on him. But they never stopped him from pursuing what he wanted.
A few days after his death, I wrote a list: "Things that need to happen". Some of the things on the list are chores that I should have done ages ago (contact a financial advisor); some are things that are super important to do ASAFP, especially now that I know that any moment could be my last (write a will! This also falls under the should have done ages ago section); and some are things that I have been meaning to put effort into, but just never find (make!) the time to do.... such as writing and finding a side hustle.
To honour the life of this talented mo-fo, I have decided to live my life more fully. Concentrate on the things and people that fill my heart with love and joy. Dedicate some time each day to writing, and to find the joy in learning the craft. And together, Mr M and I have decided to live the life that we want to live; to pursue a lifestyle that results in our family's happiness.
Hold your loved ones close, and connect with those who mean the most to you, tell them WHY they mean so much to you. Try not to take anyone for granted, for who knows when they won't be there anymore.
Big love.
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